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For me, it all started a late summer night out with my friends.
I was just beginning my journey of self-development. I was especially concerned about my lack of experience with girls: I had never even kissed a girl.
I always felt like that was something I had to hide and make sure nobody knew about. I worried about what others would think of me if they knew.
But this night was different.
I don’t know exactly why, but that night I just didn’t want to care anymore. I think I was tired of always trying to hide my big shame; my inexperience with girls.
So, I told her everything about it.
When I stopped caring, something happened.
It was as if the shackles weighing me down finally shattered. It’s still one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done.
I felt unstoppable. All my shame and self-consciousness just washed away.
What’s even funnier is that she didn’t really believe me because she said I seemed so confident about it.
After that night I realized something…
I had been totally honest with who I was to a total stranger, and the world didn’t come crashing down because of it.
Quite the opposite – she was one of the first people in my life who’d seen me as confident.
So, why was I so concerned about hiding it to everyone else?
Here’s what I realized: When we are okay with others knowing about our insecurities – we can become truly confident with who we are.
This didn’t mean I started telling everyone about my fears and insecurities. (That would just be weird.) But my fear of being exposed disappeared.
If anyone would ask me about my experience with women, it wouldn’t throw me off balance. I knew I could just tell them like it is.
And sure enough, with my newfound confidence, meeting girls eventually wasn’t a big issue in my life anymore. Today, I have a wonderful girlfriend as of 6 years.
Here’s me and my girlfriend on a recent trip to Thessaloniki, Greece. It’s a really cool city for anyone with a historical interest (or if you just want to enjoy amazing Greek food and wine by the sea).
How you can stop your fear and insecurity from controlling you
That burger joint experience taught me something fundamental about fear:
Fear feeds on itself. When we avoid it, it becomes stronger.
Here’s what’s funny: When we stop running away from our fears, they eventually stop being scary.
When I finally admitted something I thought would destroy me if it came out, I realized that nothing had changed. I was still me. People still liked me, maybe even a bit more because I became more relaxed and genuine.
The first step to stop caring what others think
To become truly confident and stop caring so much about what others think of us, we need to face and deal with our insecurities.
As long as we walk around in life afraid of being “exposed”, we can never fully be ourselves.
That’s why the first step towards getting an unbreakable confidence is to admit to ourselves what we are insecure about.
We don’t HAVE to let the world know about it, but we need to accept that it’s okay IF the world knows about it.
What’s the worst thing that will happen if your insecurities come true?
That’s not a rhetorical question. I want you to actually try to visualize a worst-case scenario.
It’s healthy to think about because we often realize that even the worst scenarios are quite benign.
Perhaps someone laughs at us. Perhaps people who aren’t our real friends don’t want to hang out. But the world keeps turning, and no one can poke a hole in your surface when your confidence is solid.
This idea is confirmed by research. It’s called self-acceptance and it’s proven to make us more confident.
Self-acceptance is when we acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses. You could say it’s about seeing ourselves as realistically as we can.
Here are the traits scientists saw improve with self-acceptance:
- An increase in self-esteem
- Less fear of failure
- An increase in self-worth
- An increase in independence
- Less desire to win the approval of others
- Less self-criticism and more self-kindness when mistakes occur
- More desire to live life for yourself (and not others)
- The ability to take more risks without worrying about the consequences
- Feeling freer in life to do what we truly want
Your first mission: Write down something you are afraid of or insecure about. By writing it down, you take the first step towards self-acceptance and becoming more confident in yourself. You also make sure that your fear stops growing.
Bonus mission: If you already did the first mission in the previous email about others judging us, do this instead. Think about how you can challenge and face your fear. Here are some examples:
- Telling someone about something you feel insecure about
- It could be applying for a new job
- Introducing yourself to someone
- Going to a party
- Calling a friend
- Asking someone out on a date
Write it down here in the comments to take your first step to stop caring what others think.