How to Double Your Social Confidence in 5 Minutes with the OFC-method

Learn more about how we did the experiment here.

Here’s what I’ll send you in my coming emails:

  1. How to avoid awkward silence and conversations hitting a wall
  2. How to get past the small talk and actually start bonding
  3. Why conversations die out and what to do about it
  4. Why people stop keeping in touch after a while and what to do about it
  5. How to stay in touch with someone you’ve just met in a natural way (and how to meet up again without forcing it)

//David

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256 thoughts on “How to Double Your Social Confidence in 5 Minutes with the OFC-method”

  1. Thanks, my problem actually is with age mates. i am a student in a university but i cannot make friends, i make new friends daily because i fear remaining in a relationship where people will get to know my real self, besides, i feel i dont fit in the company of the friends i choose because kind of i don’t measure up to their status. help me to feel accepted and welcome among groups of people.

    Reply
    • I was in your situation when I was in college. I didn’t have emtional or financial support. I began to really concentrate on my grades. By the end of the semester I was invited into s study group wherein I sort of became the leader. Not only did my own grades go up but, I was invited to social events. I still felt separated (because School and books kept me broke) but at least other students knew my name and wanted to join whatever study group I was involved with. I still miss school but an awful lot of people (at least) refer to me as being smart . It’s a step forward at least to overcoming my own inferiority complex.

      Reply
  2. This was so helpful! This definitely is something that highly applies to me.
    This makes so much sense; the thing where questions just come naturally when you’re genuinely curious about someone else sounds so realistic and useful. I can’t wait to try it out, thank you so much for this! I’ll be practicing a lot with my friends, and then I’ll try it out as the new school term is starting for me!

    Thank you!

    Reply
    • I find it difficult to be in consistent touch with a person even the girl I ever to be a partner in future. I don’t know why I find it difficult to relate with girls in general, can’t approach and talk with them,to the extent that you passed by then without saying a word but in my, desire to be with them, guide me to dealt with issue

      Reply
    • I feel very confident talking to strangers like in the grocery store about a item or in the swimming pool where I am at quite a bit I have a lot of trouble talking to people that I’ve known a long time it always starts out friendly and then all of a sudden I can see a withdrawal and it’s at a Christmas party I was at or had a happy hour party and RV Park. I don’t feel nervous around them I just see people pull back and then I try to stay away from them but then a loneliness Creeps in. So I consider my personality unlikable

      Reply
  3. I appreciate this method and use it…to my own detriment. Now people enjoy talking with me because I give them an outlet to be listened to, to have someone interested in them, and they feel engaged. But while they enjoy this, it feels one sided and hallow, because I do not share anything about myself. I feel uncomfortable in sharing because that’s not the precedent of what’s been set and I feel like they don’t want to know anything about me. When does it become a mutual sharing situation?

    Reply
    • Obviously you’re going for the wrong friends.
      Be a bit more selective the way you usually do things and that should work out.
      If they don’t also wanna ask you questions n stuff, I mean it’s fine I don’t wanna talk of my life but I do wonder if they even care yk?
      So TLDR: get a better friend, that person might not realize they aren’t considerate, or they are an asshole who wants a submissive receptacle for their emotions

      Reply
    • Oh wait I misinterpreted your words.
      You’re gonna have to have a point in the conversation where there is natural silence. It should be comfortable and long enough that the other person starts asking questions. Maybe you’re speeding ahead with the ways to do this too.
      Sometimes they’ll naturally ask questions. You may be speaking with someone who doesn’t wish to be rude by asking questions and could be an introvert. Could be a personality thing.

      Reply
  4. Hi David, I have 3 fake friends. Let’s call them Emma, Liz, and Bella. So Emma is the leader of the group I guess. Liz and Bella just follow what she says. I’m in the group but they ignore me. They didn’t include me in anything. Emma had a birthday party and didn’t invite me and then talked about it the next day. I’ve been “friends” with them for 1 year. And there has been no improvements. We also have no same interests. But, I’m too scared to leave the group. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Hey, I know I’m not David, but I’ve been in a situation like yours before. My advice is that you should make friends with some more people who aren’t part of your social circle in the event you want to ditch your friends. This will provide you with backup so you won’t be lonely after leaving them. Find people who are nice to talk to, and maybe share interests too! Then after that, you can handle the “break up” in one of two ways. You can completely ghost them (like I did), explain to them why you don’t want to be friends, or just slowly drift apart. I think, for you, the best of these is to drift. To do this, just start talking to them less and less, and start hanging out with your new friends more, until you have basically left the group. This method is the one that causes the least amount of conflict.
      Hope I helped!

      Reply
  5. Hi David, my biggest problem now is: I was very close to a church sister but what happened is that their is a third party i got a little obsess i wont lie i am still feeling jealousy. Now our friendship is dry n dull she dont trust me anymore its killing me! I have doubts i feel like the talk about me we do talk but i get nervous i get a knot in my stomach. I apologise one too many times but to no avail. Please help me im dying here.

    Reply
    • Varonnie to be honest with you displaying jealously is a big turn off for women. You might want to give this church sister a little distance. Just greet her when you see her but don’t try to engage her in conversation for some months. She will get over it with time. Instead of getting jealous always be calm and non-needy. Work on your social skills. That way you will have options when it comes to women. Cheers

      Reply
  6. Thanks so much for this , I feel like I really need a lot of help with my anxiety. Most times I feel like I am not taken seriously and not understood. It feels like I say and do the wrong things every time with the way people treat me. When people ignore me I feel like something is wrong with me, and I feel hurt most times this happens to me.
    I really hope you can help me feel better about myself and be less anxious.

    Reply
  7. Sounds good. I’m excited to finally try & overcome my social anxiety after all these years. I feel like I’m a fun person, but the nervousness an anxiety get the best of me & feel like I’m that person that people love to try & make me look stupid,(like I weak) so they look better. Thank you so much. I hope this is legitimate & not going to be trying to sell me something. Thank you!

    Reply
  8. Hi.

    So, I wanted to do some research into why my mind goes blank.

    I feel like I have nothing to say most of the time.

    When I get asked for things I want my mind goes blank aswel when someone thanks me I start to feel nervous and it’s like don’t know what else to say, in those situations everything that I think of just feels wrong to say.
    I’ll often not want to speak in groups main cause is when an entire group stops and looks at me i feel uncomfortable and I begin to shake like I’m standing on the nerve in my foot that makes it jump repetitively. When it’s a one on one I’ll often draw blanks when trying to think of something interesting to ask.

    Reply
  9. hey. how do i join and become part of an existing group.
    also answer all these questions please
    How to avoid awkward silence and conversations hitting a wall
    How to get past the small talk and actually start bonding
    Why conversations die out and what to do about it
    Why people stop keeping in touch after a while and what to do about it
    How to stay in touch with someone you’ve just met in a natural way (and how to meet up again without forcing it)

    Reply
    • Hi, I’m not David but for the first question, just make close friends with one person in the group, and once your close enough, they may invite you to sit with their group or something like that. From there, talk to their friends and make friends with them. I believe he has videos about all the other questions you asked.
      Hope I helped!

      Reply
  10. I have a crush on someone I just don’t know how to start a conversation without looking like I like him I’m not good at being subtle

    Reply
  11. I’m on a girls holiday and don’t know half of them – really trying to be friendly but am feeling quite isolated or left out can you help? Please?

    Reply
  12. I am familiar with these techniques. BUT … My nervousness tends to make me over eager in that aspect of being interested in what the other person has to say. Often I find myself coming across as someone who is trying too hard. Especially when it comes to finding matching interests and similar traits with that other person. Such things that normally bond. So my eagerness drives me to almost cut the other person off instead. And that is not good of course. It kind of kills the intention, and instead I come across as a person who is just interested in talking about herself, or a know-all. And that is NOT what I want to do. I need to learn how to truly relate to others, without making these constant efforts to bond by commenting on similar traits and skills.

    The hardest thing for me is having meaningful coversations with persons that in my opinion is talking way too slow. It allways makes me feel like I allready know what they are about to say next. And most of the time it is extremely hard to stay patient and focused in such situations. I do not want to feel like my time is wasted, but yet I feel like this quite often. It makes me want to shout out ”For gods sake, get to the point that I allready figured out two minutes ago”. Do I not like conversating with others just for the conversations alone? Am I introvert? Probably. I would love to find a way to stay genuinely interested in what the other person has to say, not minding the pace. I do care.

    Reply
  13. My anxiety has proved difficult for me because I move from school to school each year never really stay long enough to become close enough with people that I’ll become friends with them.
    I hope remembering OFC in these situations will help me lots more in the future, thank you!

    Reply
  14. I need questions that I can ask people whom I’m trying to make my friends, and also people who are already my friends but missing that deep connection.

    Reply
  15. I am a teenager and for the most part I have many friends. However this summer I haven’t been keeping up with them, and now I am worried that we many not be friends anymore. At night I start over thinking it and then I get very anxious.Then when I do see them again, I get awkward and scared. I just want to get over this and become more open and relaxed. Thanks.

    Reply
    • Hey, I may not b David, but I think I have good advice. You shouldn’t be anxious about this! In fact, not talking over the summer just gives you more things to talk about! In my experience, meeting up with someone too often or keeping up a lot tends to weaken the friendship because you just run out of things to talk about. Use this opportunity to tell stories about your summer, and ask about theirs! (But make sure not to overshare, and make sure to listen to what they say!)
      Hope I helped!

      Reply
  16. I am bit weak at English speaking, but I am always nervous while speaking in front of others, especially audiences. I fumble, wrong pronunciations discontinued talks are the major problems. I just hope that you suggest me how to overcome this problem.

    Reply
  17. I never opened myself to others. To be honest, I felt too confused about myself. It’s not like I’m shy but I feel overcomes by kind of negativity. Some people do say that I talk less but I know I don’t. At, home or around closest people I am good at conversations. It’s not like I don’t have friends and I don’t have fun with them…but I do. But there is some sadness lurking all around that I WILL mess up here and there, that I not better at them and seriously, I feel illogical too. When I’m at one place, I think about other things which made me sad. Believe me, I cried every night that no you have got to be better. Damn them saying anything about you, judging you. But the next day, when I approach the similar faces, I am the same old girl who is better then them, but failed to show anything. I just don’t I am writing but this is the most heartily writing I ever wrote. I just could hope you will take out from this mess and bring to what I deserve to be.
    Moniara.

    Reply
  18. I’m over 50 and single and want lots of friends. I don’t smell, am of a smart appearance and I’m not mean. I’m not shy but just don’t know how to make lots of friends. Once you’re past 20 or so and aren’t married or dating, people just don’t seem to want to bother. I’ve tried looking for men’s groups in the UK but they’re few and far between. Please can you help me. Thanks a lot, Declan

    Reply
    • Declan just a thought that was given to me a long time ago and that is if you count your true friends on more than one hand, you are kidding yourself. Just a thought. Good luck

      Reply
  19. Thank you. I hope it helps.I feel my social anxiety prevents me from trying new things. Also i am never confident doing things.It has reached a point at which i feel crippled because of it.

    Reply
  20. Thank you so much, that is exactly what I have been going through for years now. I always pick the wrong people to befriend, I get screwed. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t trust anyone anymore. I am partially disabled, sometimes I need to use a walker if I am going for a long walk or shopping and I believe people look down on that. I am tired of being judged before anyone takes the time to get to know me. I am a good person. I am trustworthy, caring, and a good person and friend. I am just tired of being lonely and alone. I want a friend I can get to know and trust. I hope you will read this, understand it and continue to send me emails. Thank you
    Monica Duarte

    Reply
  21. I really appreciate this. It will help alot,I want meet more friends and to be closer with my friends but idk how to keep up conversations and become closer with them.

    Reply
  22. Thank you so much. Through my intuition i have started something like this recently as well. But this helped me so much!

    Reply
  23. Anytime I’m with my friends I feel like I am awkward and run out of things to say and then I don’t get invited to stuff. I also feel like anytime I say anything I get judged very rudely and I just don’t know how to react. Anytime I confront my friends about them exluding me nothing changes. I want to be closer with my friends but idk how to keep up conversations and become closer with them. I also found out that they made a whole new gc without me in it and I’m rly sad cuz I wanna be closer w my friends but idk how. PLZ HELP ME.

    Reply
    • I’m sorry it’s like this for you,maybe try meeting new people because this friendship group seems toxic. If you have any close friends then I would try to stick with them. Obviously it’s a lot easier said than done :/ Alternatively you could stick with these friends but try to find things that you have in common with them and talk about that, or you could reccomend things that you like and are passionate to them so that you have things to talk about? I hope it works out 🙂

      Reply
  24. I have social anxiety, and I find it much worse being on the receiving end of a lot of questions. How do you deal with this? If I was Patrick I would be hyperventilating by the end of this video.

    Reply
    • I think in your case you should assume that the other person is genuinely interested in what you have to say, and just answer honestly. People typically regret what they don’t say more than what they do after the initial nervousness subsides, and the best way to overcome anxiety is to do what you’re most afraid of until you become more comfortable and confident with it. Good luck!

      Reply
  25. I tend to overthink and to mess up stuff by thinking so much about what to say that I say something unnatural and mess up the conversation. I also care EXTREMELY much what others think of me, so much I dont want to walk in the streets alone, fearing people think I dont have any friends. Hope to get over this soon as possible.

    Reply
  26. Am looking forward to the next email.
    I feel more nervous with people whom I know. Especially my adult daughters.
    It’s almost an inferiority. I can’t think of things to say in the moment, and then say the wrong thing.
    Am usually very good at meeting new people. Does this make sense?

    Reply
  27. It looks like I have come to the right place. I am so full in the company of others the automatically walk away from me. I hope to get over this awakwardness through this course.

    Reply
  28. Thank you
    That was a really interesting piece of research. I’m seen as an extrovert and chatty, but I struggle with the in-between phaze which I feel Is most importantly by that video and I’m interested. Thank you great video

    Reply
  29. David, Ï’m joined a coaching centre for 40 days there a girl approach me by asking a subject related doubt.she is really pretty.next day she want to talk to me but I ignored her but continuously she approached me.days rolled,on last I got her mobile number from her.on that night I call her I said I love you she said that she saw me as a friend but later on chat frequently she text me as I love you I replied her as me too but I asked her is that as a friendly type she said yes but I still love her .but I don’t know how to know show I love her pls answer my question plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

    Reply
  30. I feel so uncomfortable around people that I can’t even maintain eye contact.
    Also have a very difficult time knowing difference between casual friend and good friend. Such as when seeking advice with my daughter.
    Honestly, currently have a difficult relationship with her as well. She is 14 and now has moved in with her father.

    Reply
    • Hi Anon, i totally relate to the difficulty with eye contact thing. Have you always had it? If not, perhaps you’ve developed depression. If you HAVE had it all your life, could you be on the autism spectrum? I am and it seems logical that lots of us will also develop social anxiety. Either way, maybe you might get somewhere by looking beyond your social anxiety into its causes.

      Reply
      • I used to have that problem. I gradually got out of it by forcing myself. One second eye contact, and avert, then two second, avert. I try to increase each time and eventually I forgot about the problem.

  31. I don’t have a car and live in an area of the city I don’t know well. Bus service here is not great and does not run late. I am retired with limited income and have a cat and a housemate also without a car. I used to have a car and a job and was very independent but went through great financial loss including the loss of my home. I have gone through a long period of homelessness. Have a small place now with a male friend who is my roommate and my cat who is precious to both of us. I used to go out country line dancing but without reliable transportation I feel so stuck. Tired of watching movies I borrow from the library. I love to play skip bo but roommate doesn’t care for it. We watch movies together and share in housekeeping and meals. We Are friends no romance between us. O need friends. If I had a friend with a car to get out with that would be nice. I would help pay for gas.

    Reply
  32. I’m new to this..I have (always) even from childhood seemed to end up attracting friends who have been bullying and self-centred and people that only want to talk about themselves and narsissistic people I look forward to upcoming emails and thankyou.

    Reply
  33. It’s just I’m awkward in general, people at my school think I’m awkward and mean. Which in reality, I am an awkward person. That’s why I don’t have a lot of friends, the mean part is what I don’t get because usually I’m super nice. Just social things aren’t my fort-a which is becoming an issue. Even my step mom is saying watch out for me because I’m just not a fun person to hang out with. Kids at my school avoid me because I’m just not a fun person to hang out. I’m missing so much because of this, and honestly, I lost all hope. I’d hope this will help me, it didn’t, I’m just too far out to every fix. It’s not your fault, it’s mine

    Reply
    • I think your problem is that you don’t accept your self. You know you are super nice but you still doubt.
      You don’t actually let people know how really nice you are, because you feel awkward being yourself.
      I think if you are yourself with people, atleast you will be genuine. And there’s no way to be accepted all the time from all kinds of people,so it’s OK being yourself.
      Express yourself,your values and interests when you talk to people and share them with people.
      That way you will find someone who really appreciates your personality and likes being with you.

      Reply
  34. I already got this down it’s only the keeping eye contact with people I find attaction with I’m having a bit of trouble and maybe maintaining a connection

    Reply
  35. I am lacking of self confidence i even hide to people i know.. some individuals take me for granted when they found out my dis ability.. i want to overcome this but i dont know how to do it..please help me

    Reply
  36. Thank you. I enjoyed your video.
    It makes me wonder if you’ve ever worked with adults who have Selective (Situational) Mutism? My hunch is that you could make such a terrific difference in their life.

    Reply
  37. I am pretty stoked in learning more about this. I am really struggling with my self confidence. I even hide from my own relatives. Thats how shy i am .Oh ,and one more thing, I am really scared to talk to people that i like,especially girls.I really think you,David,can help me overcome this. Just by watching one video i learned alot of things. Thanks Man!

    Reply
  38. I purchased your conversation confidence book on paypal, and I never recieved it. There were no directions on how to access the book either. How would I be able to recieve it?

    Reply
  39. I deffinttly have a problem with my socail life. Infact it’s so bad i.stay away from people that I even know. Even my family.at times most the time people laugh at me an underestamate me because of what I talk about an my words I use.at times while I’m with people I get this feeling of total nervous Ness an a fear even.it gets so bad. I don’t even know how to act
    .

    Reply
  40. This video was actually really groundbreaking for me! I was professionally diagnosed with autism, and most of the “intervention” that I received revolved around making me think all the time about what other people thought of me. Not only did I develop horrific social anxiety, but I always felt like I was never getting anywhere with anyone. Now I realize why; I was getting bad information. I was being “anti-coached”. The stuff you said in this video is, in my uneducated opinion, what we should be teaching autistic people of all ages. Trust that I will take what I learnt here to heart, and hopefully get more success out of it than I ever did before in the past.

    Reply
  41. Ayesha
    thank you so much David
    you speak my heart
    i’m in a great need of your support ..
    lack of confidence is lagging me behind in every step of my life.
    please do help me
    Thank You
    stay blessed

    Reply
  42. I found this by reasearching how to insert yourself into conversation as an exercise from my counselor.
    I also have an upcoming conversation I’m really nervous about, basically the first time I’ll be talking with a dude, just us at a place.
    I’m going to try this method when I meet with him, to see if it’ll help things go easier.

    Reply
  43. I will see in the coming days how this will help me to interact with people and how it will make me not avoid talking in front of other people

    Reply
  44. This seems really helpful. I think I’m going to give it a try as I really need to overcome my insecurities and nervousness in conversation. Thanks for the advice and I look forward to future videos!

    Reply
  45. What a great read! I too thought a lot of these things were just me and that others don’t get as nervous in social situations. I was told the other day that I always seem so ‘perfect and put together’ which really just emphasizes the point that I am scared to make mistakes. I have definitely hidden away my insecurities from people in the thought that it is not focusing on the positives, and also the fear of being judged. I can relate to not thinking that I sound smart enough because of the anxiety and that leads to me cutting off conversations or saying unnecessary dumb stuff to fill in silences. I am going to now make a conscious effort to focus on the other person and also share my insecurities with people so that I can seem a little more relatable. Thank you for your help!

    Reply
  46. Thank you! I’m sitting with my friend and 2 other ppl at lunch tomorrow and I’ll see if this works! I think it will, thanks again and I look forward to learning more!

    Reply
  47. Thanks for the vid! I do get nervous when I talk to new people as well as most people who have authority. I’m really trying to change this about myself because I’m noticing that it’s affecting my relationships as well as how I carry myself. I see potential in your program so definitely excited!

    Reply
  48. Thank you for sharing this! I’m always having a hard time focusing to what the person I converse with tries to tell me and to what I should say next when the conversation is ongoing. Hearing from you made me think maybe I could calm down a bit next time. This is very helpful! ?

    Reply
  49. You are a HERO!!! Thank you so much for your kindness and I hope you continue doing what you doing. Keep on the good work! I’ll try this! It looks legit. Just by thinking about it makes sense to me! I’m so lucky to found you!

    Reply
  50. just watched the video now and will comment again only to see if OFC works .. seems potent way though . thanks a lot u r doing a great job

    Reply
  51. Great video. Yes i will try it, but for me usually to find the first word is not easy that’s my problem actually. So how to find the first is it will help me. How to get the best way o find the first.

    Reply
  52. Thank you, David. I will definitely try this techniqu next time I go to one of my meet up groups. I am finding that I have a very hard time engaging with people, as well as in keeping a conversation going, as I have severe social anxiety and a general lack of social skills. Im looking for word to the rest of your emails. Again, thanks so much!!

    Reply
  53. This almost seems like a miracle. I’ve never been good with conversations but im going to have to start anew in college soon, and im really hoping this can help teach me and take some of the stress away. Thank you for the opportunity.

    Reply
  54. I’m lying in bed (on a Saturday night)- no social life and have just watched your experiment video OFC and found it fascinating and helpful. Craving more of this sort of help so look forward to your emails. I feel empty with nothing to give and I am not comfortable with myself. I hope you can help me.

    Reply
  55. I really like this simple, and normal way to become engaged in a conversation with someone that I had previously not known. I plan to use OFC in situations beginning later today. Thank you

    Reply
  56. I’m a little younger than the audience this is targeted towards and being in middle school is hard enough. I recently started my first year at my new school and what’s so hard is that the kids there are…how do I say…just more outgoing and more of a ‘pose for snapchat/trendsetters’ while I and my old friends are more of a weird, quirky type.
    This is especially hard because my crush is part of these people. They all just say things and people laugh. And I can’t be funny because all my jokes were for people of my, I guess, a metaphorical ‘social class’ not the actual social class though. I’m very timid and I want to find a way to stand out more. I don’t want to say awkward things that make them say “that’s not funny” or stare at me. They are troublemakers and don’t care about grades type, while I don’t aspire to be the ‘don’t care about school type’, I want to attract people to me. Usually making conversation ends in awkward silence, because I can’t find anything else to talk about.
    I need to be more charismatic and charming I think, if you could help, that’d be great.

    Reply
  57. Thanks for sharing… I’m curious, though… do family personalities/traits have anything to do with our ability to communicate? How about personal issues… like personality disorders… can they have any bearing on a person’s ability to communicate? And if so, do you think your videos will have breakthrough results in these areas?

    Reply
  58. Everyone says that i am very quite and shy.I am only talkative to close friends and family. Please help me to become a smart and talkative person

    Reply
  59. I’m really exited for the next videos because I’m such an over thinker. I always think about what the other person thinks of me instead of actually listening to them. This alone has been a huge help!

    Reply
  60. I do believe these are going to help me a lot coz I’m kinda the one who just keeps on listening or observe making it the only monologue. Oh! the awkward silences are real buggers too.
    Please do upload new videos quickly!! Can’t wait to learn and change myself.

    Reply
    • Great question! We discussed doing that, but then her nervosity would slowly decrease over time simply because she got used to talking to strangers, ie habituation. We would then need several test participants. We argued that since the method has already been proven in a study, it’s enough to illustrate it with one person.

      Here’s the study: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17521604

      Reply
      • I’m wondering whether introducing a second stranger would influence her level of nervousness, whether by increasing or decreasing it? To me it seemed it had more to do with her internal state (whether she was focusing inwards or outwards). When she was naturally self-conscious, she was more nervous and again in the third coaching (anti-coach) when you told her to focus on she taught Patrick viewed her (again back to focusing inwards), we saw similar results. So I’m concluding if she was introduced to a second stranger following the second coaching (the good coaching), the results would have been similar to the second conversation she had with Patrick. I’m hoping this all made some sense.

        So glad I came up on this space and the resources you provide! I look forward to putting some of these tips into motion!

        Thank you!

    • No problem, I can see why it seems too easy to be true. But this is actually a skill you can practice and it’s not always that easy, but it’s very effective once you can do it automatically. Let me know how it goes!

      Reply
  61. Thank you! My therapist gave me a exercise to focus on the other person instead of myself and my anxiety, but I didn’t know how to do it. These are some great tools! Thanks

    Reply
  62. How can this be used to help a teenager (15) who gets very anxious and avoids going somewhere or trying out for sports when they don’t know other teenagers?

    Thank you,

    Reply
  63. I struggle with anxiety a severe case when I’m in a big room or area with strangers my heart beat speeds up and my hands start to sweat and I get real stiff what kind I do to get rid of that?

    Reply
    • You cannot “get rid of” anxiety. Your body’s response will change over time as you try to be social and learn that it’s not unsafe (your body’s reason for having anxiety). You gain more confidence and the anxiety just lessens over time. If you never challenge anxiety (by facing what makes you anxious) it won’t go away by itself.

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    • According to my observation, this happens because your focus gets divided among so many people. Instead focus on one face at a time, and keep moving through many faces in the crowd, it’s important to look at faces close to you and further from you, left right and center. When you focus on these faces marvel at the wonder of nature and how varied these faces are, this is to bring a small smile to your stare.
      This is the same as OFC, it’s ok to be nervous in a large gathering, focus on faces, be curious about those faces.

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    • That’s a tough one, if you get nothing back, it’s almost impossible because that means they don’t want to talk (or they are really nervous/stiff/shy).

      The question is why you don’t get anything back? Is it because you don’t show interest in them and only talk about what you find interesting? Is it a new person or someone you know from before? I’d start looking at the reasons why you get nothing back and trying to experiment with different approaches there. Like showing more interest in others, asking more follow-up questions, and see if that changes something.

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    • Learn to read body language instead, be curious about body language. For example is the other person’s feet facing straight towards you or pointing away from you. The person you are talking to can sometimes choose to remain silent but they are sure unable to hide body language signs. If the feet are pointing towards you then there is interest but the person is too nervous to talk to you. Try to talk about something non personal at this juncture in order to open a conversation. If the feet are pointing away from you, then they are not interested in a talk. The reason is not always you, it might be that they had a bad day at work. Thinking it’s always about you is being self centered.

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  64. Great video, hope this will help me because am just socially shy and I find it hard to talk to strangers. Am eager to watch more and ready to practice.

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  65. I am looking for suggestions how to help adult daughter who is hyper talker.
    It is hard to be around her because she talks so fast ; I want to say stop and breathe!
    Thank you for any suggestions.
    Phyllis

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    • Let her be when she needs to be. Maybe ask her to use her words more carefully. You might find that it’s poetry in motion.

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  66. Please can you help me to be a better communicator with my wife after being put down and receiving what may be considered unhealthy criticism for 5yrs .

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  67. I was sent this video by my wife. I received a lot of great insight to a few things to work on like eye contact and confidence. As I said i suffer at communication due ito a lack of confidence. And being talked down to like a child when a parent constantly tells them they will never be anything.

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  68. This makes absolute sense. Just allow the body to do what it wants and accept it really helps me. Thank you! I will practice and apply.

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    • I have no quams with admitting I’m wrong because I can’t know it all . I admit that I have room for improvement so if she thinks it will help I’m willing to try it with my whole heart. My communication skill suck. Due to some things such as a put downs and a few others. A once social butterfly has went back into the cacoon can you help me now that you’ve been more informed of my situation?

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  69. I know that I am confident, but I tend to second-guess myself and get anxious, especially when conversating with people I’m not too familiar with, while also speaking at a fast pace (bad habit I have around anyone). I want more awareness of myself in a conversation(in general; like dos and don’ts) while also increasing my focus on the other person in a curious way. Thank you for these videos!

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    • Good goals Amy, I see you have already thought about this topic quite a bit already which is great. Being aware and acknowledging our problems is always the first step. 🙂

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      • I too will work on my goals and have confidence in my decisions. Regardless of what others think. I will build heathy borders and not shut down.

    • Same story here! Sometimes I’m really confident, positive and assertive; other times I feel myself quite fragile and couldn’t handle even a conversation with the colleague I know..

      Great video! The first one of about 50 articles I have read on the topic so far.

      Thank you & looking forward for the next ones

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  70. I have the same problem. It feels like whenever i want to meet someone it is more forced. I also have problem with small talk and don’t know how to get through it. Awkward silences are also something that happen a lot 🙁

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  71. This is great. I’m wondering how it applies to those conversations with people that aren’t total strangers but you also don’t feel comfortable with. I find I have difficulty being in my own head less with strangers and more with people I’m “supposed to” know well or be able to keep conversation with.

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    • Same thing with my teenage daughter! I am hoping to help her to be more comfortable with her classmates. She can connect better with people she just met than those she has known for years.

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      • Am 61 years old, trying to relate to people in their 20’-50’ age group. It a one week event every year. Everyone seems to know each other. Having trouble trying to fit in.

      • First of all it’s good hanging out with young people. If this time you don’t get too much acceptance by the tribe, it’s just a sign you need to do this more often. I know a 96 year old lawyer who teaches just to stay connected to young people. Find avenues where you can connect with young. Go to a local couchsurfing weekly meeting, if there is none try starting one in your town or city. Be the organizer lend your experience to help young connect.

  72. good video! I just thing that the concept of self image and subjective priority regarding what one considers as good characteristics about oneself are big factors as well. e.g i meet a new person and i think that I am a very attractive person and at the same time i think that my good looks help a lot in making people like me and that helps me feel comfortable in such a situation i will feel confident with regards to my looks, but in another situation say i think looks make people like me but i don’t think of myself as an attractive person then i will not be confident. a solution in this case will be to change my perspective to thinking that my looks do not matter and what i say matters more, then regardless of my looks i will feel comfortable that is if i am a confident speaker.

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  73. It works. By just staying curious with what the other person is saying, i sometimes found myself really interested in our topic.
    It’s very nice, thank you.

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      • Hi David,

        I’ve recently went through a rough job change that led me to start having anxiety, depression and panic attacks, eventually I left to preserve my well being.

        Since then, I’ve been having massive difficulty in Social relationship, with friends, loved ones and specially strangers. Always getting self conscious and constantly anxious.

        Your tips look very helpful, thanks for sharing this!

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