How to get past boring small talk and connect

 

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Comments (101)

  1. Alba

    This is brilliant. I can’t wait to try this out. It’s so simple and so concrete.

  2. Volchitsa

    So I’m a military child and have been betrayed multiple times by people i considered my close friends. I have trouble trusting and knowing people with the knowledge that I would be moving somewhere else. Any tips?

  3. Anonymous

    Woman wi5h dark hair across the table is feeling really acquard no one is talkin w with her.
    That would be me.

  4. Jacob Mckinley

    I have an older cousin named Andrew who is very charismatic and attractive. I’m 12 and he’s 15. He loves me but doesn’t really respect me. He seems like a good person to get respected by. Can someone help me get his respect?

    • Aunt BonBon

      Hi Jacob,
      The question I would ask you is, do you respect yourself? When you respect yourself first, then you do not crave respect from others. If someone does not respect you it could be because they do not respect themselves, or there is something in the dynamic you have with them that triggers something in them they do not like about themselves. I also think it is best to be kind and courteous to other people and this promotes self-respect and civility when you are interacting with people. Best wishes to you.

  5. tony

    i dont thing i have problem whit speiking whit people or girls thats the unwriten rules that i never learned, if she says this i will say some thing like this or when i would ask foe her cellnumber or if i insted ask her out for dinner, now it’s doing my head in..

    tony

  6. lorena

    this video is awesome. i think my problem is that i don’t think i’m interesting, or i don’t like taking about myself and this is keeping me from actually talking to people because i don’t have a topic to actually start a conversation. now that i write it out it’s really depressing 😂😂

    • Cavalina Redorrio

      Lol that is exactly the same problem I have. When you figure out how to fix (or change) that, can you PLEASE reply me.
      Thanx!

    • lynne

      Lorena I used to feel the same way until I went and did really interesting things so Ive loads to talk about BUT now I talk about myself and its still not working. I feel the trick might be to have an interest in others and what they think or feel.

  7. Anonymous

    thank you for this great vedio! i think i always run out of topics. i wanna maintain the friendship with someone i met lately by having some small talks but just dont know what to talk about sometimes.

  8. Sarah

    I really want to try and get to know more people, but I’m just really shy and never know how to go up to the people a really want to meet. I always feel like they’re going to think im weird, since I’m usually so quiet

    • Aunt BonBon

      Hi Sarah,
      I like to think of myself as being authentically me…instead of weird. Anyway, if someone thinks you are weird or different it is usually because he/she is insecure themselves and they are looking to put someone else down so they feel superior. I say to myself that it is none of my business what goes on in someone else’s head. I am a good person and if someone thinks negative things about me, then that is his/her problem, not mine.

      It is normal to feel shy talking to people, especially when you are not good friends. Talk about the things you like to do, talk about what you do with your time, talk about what your goals are for the year, talk about how you feel. Most people are shy and you can be the first one to break through and connect.

      Best wishes to you.

  9. Isabelle

    I really want to improve on not being superficial, even though I hate it I still feel the pressure to try to “fit in” and please people.
    But since they’ve already labeled me as a “quiet” or “boring” person, I have a hard time opening up and actually getting to know them because they’ve already lost interest in me. I just don’t know the “right” questions to ask, or the “right” things to say to actually get to know someone. I’m trying to just “be myself”, but I don’t really know who I am…

    I’m going to try to stop chasing after people, because I can’t force people to like me, and it’s such a waste of time and energy!
    I’m going to focus on improving my self-confidence and being the person I want to be, and hopefully friends will eventually come along naturally.

    The thing is, I’m sure there are people out there who I would really get along with, I just don’t know where and how to find them! It’s so frustrating ;(

  10. Kathy

    This was a fabulous video. Thanks so much! I’d really love it if you gave more examples of how to ask about the person’s relationship to the subject. Like a list of question starters, I mean. Hope this makes sense. Thanks!

  11. Anonymous

    Thanks for those vids, I my new class all the kids are sitting in groups and talking about their things without noticing me. what should I do? i’m like a ghost when i’m trying to get closer to one of the groups…

  12. Anonymous

    I would like to improve on initiating a conversation with someone to start and then to become less nervous so I can actually open up and connect to that person.

  13. Anonymous

    Hi, so glad i stumbled across this. I have a type of social anxiety and feel limited and a little self conscious about striking conversations due to the fear of awkward silence and just not being able to keep up conversations. I look forward to learning and trying these techniques!! Just want to say thank you and hope this will help me open up and be comfortable in certain situations!

  14. Jim

    Hi,

    I have been dating a lot lately but I only seem to have one date. I think I need to be a better listener and ask better questions. I think I learned something here today. Asking people how they feel about, or, relate to a topic allows a response that is much more revealing about them than just asking a factual question.

  15. Anai

    I love these videos so much! I’ve always had a hard time talking to people and I never thought that it was possible to learn how to improve. Thank you so much for helping me!

  16. anonymous

    I am emigrated to a country very far from my homecountry.(but it is similar in US or western Europe) in Many foreingers live here though but when I ask a personal question like ‘why did you move to this country?’they close up immediately and walk away or really change the subject completely. Most people avoid personal questions no way to get an answer it turns people of. I tried many of the tricks in my life even wen also reveiling something about myself on te matter first they still not reply. Most people dislike personal talk.
    Actually many things in the mails I tried already in my long life and they are exactly the things which turn of people.
    It all sounds so easy but reality is something totally different.
    Also gender plays a big part. And origin I guess.
    There is a big difference starting a conversation with an Italian woman(I am a woman) or starting it with a German or US woman. I experienced a lot of these examples. The Italian is much more approachable then the German one.
    And there is much more which you should research well before making people thing it is all so easy. It is absolutely not and it is even more difficult since social media. People not start a conversation easy anymore.

  17. Anonymous

    I will love to learn how to go over feelings of inferiority when talking with some people.

    • Aunt BonBon

      Hi Anonymous,

      The questions to answer for yourself are: why do I feel inferior and why do I think this person is better than me?

      Work on being rooted in self-respect and self-love and then you are like a solid tree with strong roots standing in your life and you don’t need external validation of being a good and strong person because you know you are.

      Best wishes to you.

  18. Eva Kjelldahl

    My goal is to be with others without being tired or worn-out. Often I notice when I have fun this is easier:) I think it is about me having a comfortable distance so I do not lose myself into listening….as I am psychotherapeut….

    When I have fun I feel free, enjoy and can have a better connection with me and others. So I need to learn how to stay free, joyful with others to make close relationships effortless:)

  19. Anonymous

    Dear David,
    I am unable to join in to existing conversations easily. As a Doctor, I am not the super intellectual type, but I work very hard and crave making friends outside of my work. So, when a gathering does come up, I am usually late and must “join in”.

    I usually have to invite myself to a table, and am not good at “breaking in”.

    It is easier with other Drs, but there I am back with my own kind. Any ideas?

    Sandra

  20. Jordan

    What I want to improve in is just starting a good conversation. A few days ago I wanted to talk to a boy i really looked up too. But every attempt lead me to an anxiety attack.

    I kept thinking, “What if i mess up?” “What if I seem to obsessed?” “What if I make a blunder of myself?”

    That day actually brought me here, so I can try to improve myself from:
    1. Never having another social anxiety attack.
    2. Being able to talk to the people I want too, properly.

  21. Shawn

    sorry I missed the reply

    I know this is a little off topic by I’m an introvert who has difficulty fitting in with a group of really extroverted people in school. I’ve been trying to fit in with them for almost 3yrs now and nothing seems to be working. HELP !!!

  22. Robert

    I’d like to get better at approaching new people, start a conversation and bond.

  23. Sam

    I just want to be relaxed when talking to people, and not feel like there is a voice shoving me down in my head as I do so. I want to be comfortable.

  24. Biju

    I’m from the other side of the spectrum and I have no problems talking to people or opening up conversations. Yet here in Scandinavia I struggle quite a bit because most people are reserved. I do my best to open conversations also get people to open up and share their experiences. Yet in Scandinavia it takes more than a year to become close friends, if not more.

    A note to shy and RESERVED people is to at least take a few steps forward once the extrovert has asked 3 questions to you in an attempt to open the conversation. If you think the extrovert needs to ask you 10 questions before you become curious, then I’m sorry that’s a tough ask.

    I hope David’s videos help RESERVED people realize they need to unreserve a bit so that there is opportunity for both sides to converse.

  25. Matthew

    This is something in particular that I struggle with as most of the time conversations I have are quite superficial and don’t get that deep or meaningful. Not to say that this occurs every time though.

  26. Tomas

    David!

    When it comes to start making conversation, I almost don’t have any issues when avoiding small talk by asking about the person’s relationship to the subject. Although it is difficult sometimes for me to ask the “right” questions when I don’t know if we have anything in common or which interesting questions I should ask to let the conversation continue.

  27. Jo

    I want to be able to start and keep the conversation going. Also how to respond to random comments.

  28. Emil

    Hello David! Thank you for your very wise lessons so far! I would like to be better at contacting girls I do not know, at a bar or via the internet. How to start a smooth conversation?

  29. Anonymous

    Hi, this helped me a lot. Something I would like to get better at is when it comes to conversation ,how I can stop over-thinking stuff and how to stop being too shy to go up to people. Everyday, there is always someone I really want to talk to but I don’t have the guts to because something is holding me back. I guess I’m just terrified of the outcome and how they will view me after. When I talk to people I usually stutter either from not knowing what to say or just being really scared at that moment.

  30. Sven

    Hi!

    That was a good question. I have never thought about what I would like to improve specifically when it comes to having a conversation. I do have some problems with conversations dying out because I do not know what to say. I have watched your video about that problem and I think you have helped med a lot! Thanks for that! I would like to be able to make the person I’m talking to feel comfortable. I want him or her to feel good around me and that he or she can trust me. Basically, I want to avoid awkardness.

    David, what do you think about filtering out stuff to say in your mind that you think may sound stupid or inappropriate. Is that a good or bad thing to do?

    • David Morin

      That’s great to hear Marquis!

      • Melissa

        My name is Melissa by the way. I came up as anonymous.

  31. Anonymous

    Hi David,

    Thank you for your information and your video. These sound like great tips. I hope to give them a try – and become successful in even making a friend or two, or at least have people enjoy talking with me.

    Debbie

  32. Kristoffer

    I want to improve avoiding overthinking too much in the conversation, which often leads to a more nervous and more tense me. When the muscles are tense, Your voice and how you respond automatically gets worse and people “smell” it and just vanish…..I also want to have better reponses. Sometimes I feel, the people I speak to just turns quiet because I might try to sound too “smart” or it’s too obvious. It awkwards people out:(

      • Victor

        So… I said i want to do that
        But I don’t have a clue about how to do it and my social anxiety already caused me depression
        Do you have any ideas on how can i improve?

          • Viktor Sander

            Loud and chaotic group conversations can be really hard to get into. Normal social rules like letting everyone speak their mind and not interrupting does not always apply, it’s more about enjoying the energy and feel of the conversation. We sometimes have to accept that a group conversation can never be as deep and intellectually stimulating as a one on one. So try taking it more for what it is and just have fun with your friends, don’t be afraid to interrupt from time to time if you have something fun to say.

            To relax more and actually find something to say, try focusing more on the conversation and what the other people are saying, instead of trying to come up with something to say. Ironically, that usually helps in coming up with what to say.

        • Biju

          Do you write Aditi? If not you should. Taking or speaking is not the only way to communicate. Your writing might bring you readers and help you express what you feel inside your head.

  33. Tanvi

    Your videos are being a great help. Thank u. Now I wanted to tell that there are some people who are naturally great conversationalist. My problem is that I feel a little discomfort while talking to such people,because as they start to listen and pay attention to what I’m talking… I start going blank. I feel weak. I feel a sudden confidence loss. So I need your help to improve this. Thank you again for help.

  34. Marquis

    this was a great blog and video. I will definitely use this to be a better conversationalist and be more open and comfortable talking to people.

  35. Rob

    People often lose interest quickly as I’m telling stories during conversation…I’d like to improve that if I can

    • David Morin

      Thank you for sharing Victor! Keep going!

  36. Anonymous

    I just want to have deep, non-awkward conversations with people I meet without the nerves. This has been a life-long struggle for me and I want to change that.

  37. Victor

    I want to be able to keep a conversation going and to stop just asking what’s the next class or what did your get in question 2 and start talking about funny things

    I want also to be able to enter and be accepted in groups of people that already know themselves for long time and to stop being treated as child/inferior by the other because of my social skills..

  38. Aditi Arora

    Hey David!
    I really like the way you explain everything.
    I am introvert person. And i have the same problems like I don’t know how to keep the conversation going and even if i like that person, I Have difficulty in making deep connnections with them. I want to work on my self.
    Some times i go blank while talking to a person, like i don’t understand what to say next. I feel empty at that time which leads to awkward silence.
    I don’t have self confidence, i feel everything i say is either dumb or funny. I feel shy speaking about my thing.
    So, people consider me boring because i dont speak and i have nothing exciting to share.
    Sorry, i have so many problems. 😀
    I am a very funny person from inside. But these small problems affect a lot to be honest.
    I want to be like others. “Extrovert and fun loving”.

  39. Nicholas

    This is eye opening. Thanks David. It’s interesting that asking about someone’s relationships to ideas helps one to build actual relationship with the person you’re talking to. Something I’d definitely practice! Thanks a million!

  40. Jane

    I want to be heard when I speak in a group conversation. I feel like I’m invisible! I don’t know if I’m not loud enough (many of my friends are REALLY loud!), or just plain boring and they dismiss whatever I have to say, or just so self-absorbed that they don’t care what I have to say and just want to keep talking about themselves endlessly. Any ideas??? Thanks!

  41. Tia

    I rlly need new friends but I really don’t know how to approach strangers specially when i’m in a room with groups of friends talking together , I feel so lonely. 🙁

  42. Amanda

    I want to improve my cordial intercourse. I have not spent time with someone after school for over two years. I really need your help!

    • Biju

      Be curious don’t be superficial. If you approach a stranger start with “are you from around here?” Now be prepared with a second and third question as a follow up. Like if they say I just moved here, you can ask where they lived before and why they moved. Be curious about people and ask slightly personal questions. You can even precede the questions by saying “hope you don’t mind me asking”

  43. Malin

    I feel like Andrei, I don’t want to talk about my personal life because every inch of it makes me sad. And I don’t want to make other people depressed while talking to me. So I pretend to be happy and superficial. Maybe ask strangers for personal advice? Talk about dreams and hopes for the future?

  44. Noami

    Can you suggest me some superficial question??

    • The first step is always to identify what you need to improve, so good job Classy. 1 step at a time. 🙂

  45. Classy

    I’m not really good at starting conversations. And finding what to say😫

    • Biju

      Be curious don’t be superficial. If you approach a stranger start with “are you from around here?” Now be prepared with a second and third question as a follow up. Like if they say I just moved here, you can ask where they lived before and why they moved. Be curious about people and ask slightly personal questions. You can even precede the questions by saying “hope you don’t mind me asking”

      • Riki Brown

        Give a random answer. Duh. Hehe JK. Respond however you feel. If you feel silent. Be silent. If you wish to do something, do it. You are free to do as you wish, whenever you like.

        • David Morin

          Thank you for your wonderful and supportive comments to everyone on the blog Biju. Your perspective is very interesting.

        • Riki Brown

          My bank account is empty. How am I supposed to do anything? Nobody listens to what I have to say… Everyone want to lie and be lied to. So if lies are what they want… I suppose.

          It’ll be great fun to watch the confusion go on forever.

          • Riki Brown

            Don’t talk to boring asses. Donkeys only speak in the animated movies. You should just dance instead.

  46. Andrei

    I am afraid about revealing facs about myself that I am not proud of. What I am saying is that I am not comfortable with where I am in my life right now, therefore I have trouble being personal with people. Yet I do desire closeness.

  47. Randy

    To overcome the fear of talking out,I know this stuff yet I cannot give correct questions to carry,there I stuck

  48. Maria

    Hi
    I’m 47 and for a long time now I’ve got really really panicky when it comes to even meeting friends, and even ones I’ve known a long time . Going for an interview , basically I panic and worry about what to say, and would love to be able to find chat Easy and not worry or panic . And to stop being Soo nervous about it .. I have to push myself sooo hard to do things .. It’s making my life hard

    • I believe in you! Have you tried any of the techniques or principles David mentioned in the video?

  49. one

    I want to improve my social skills, I feel I can meet new people but I cannot connect with them, so finally it end up in a superficial relationship and even when I meet people I feel lonely.

    • David Morin

      Good one. That’s definitely possible to get better at!
      David

  50. bernadine

    I feel I can be awkward to talk to in new situations and I wanted to see how to do it in a way that makes me and them comfortable.

    • David Morin

      Hi Vivian, that’s something many others have struggled with as well and then made great progress. Check out the coming emails, I think you’re going to find them helpful 🙂
      David

  51. Linus

    At first i thought SUPERFICIALLY that this video and lesson is the same as the one You sent on Jan 6,
    then i carefully compared the two and saw the new lesson
    Yes people i converse with do not like me if i act like a nerd
    i need this course to make them like me at such times
    Also i have found that when people around me feel blue they JUST CLAM UP and don’t talk to me
    But WHEN i felt blue i longed for someone to talk to to get out of it
    i FEEL the problem is to get talking with them in the right way
    i need lessons for this

  52. Vivian

    Hi david thankyou for what you do :)Well an issue I have is sometimes I want to say experiences I have had and people lose interest and I tend to forget where I was at and stumble and say and then or well .Please help me be confident in saying my stories without feeling inferior and getting nervous if they do

    • David Morin

      In my next email I’ll talk about a method you can use when conversations hit a wall. It works very well when you head goes blank. Glad to have you on board 🙂

  53. Abdulkadir sheriff

    Thanks alot David, that was a nice video and I learned alot. I have this issue of going blank while conversating with my friends and it sucks because I feel there’s more to say but I find it difficult to speak or say something funny. Would be grateful if u could be of help.

  54. Kearsten

    I’d like to learn how to be less serious and more open when having conversations… more “energetic” when talking to people.

  55. Cristina

    I’d like to get better at asking certain types of questions at the appropriate time in a conversation. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say; my mind literally goes blank, and I get nervous. I want to learn how to move past this nervousness and be completely comfortable when talking with anyone, and in any setting.

    • David Morin

      Hi Nick!

      My next email will be about how to avoid conversations hitting a wall, think you’ll like it!
      David

  56. Nick K

    Hi David, I really enjoyed the small talk video that you posted! I have a similar comment to what Mathis said. I want to be more at ease and relaxed, I feel as if my mind races automatically and there is very little space for the current moment, and that usually produces anxiety. The strange thing is, I am beginning to feel that with my close friends. Intellectually I know what I am doing wrong, but often I can’t help but feel like I am hitting a wall for one reason or the other. Anyway, that’s my two cents. Thank you for all your good advice!

    • David Morin

      Hi Stephen!
      That’s a great insight, a lot of people struggle with that but don’t realize that they need to open up more. I’m planning on doing a coming Q&A email about that soon.

      • Pan

        Great, thanks for replying. I’ll look forward to it.

  57. STEPHEN I BROWNLEE

    Hey David,

    Cool video! Aside from what you covered in this video, I would like to
    get better at sharing myself more. I have a hard time being vulnerable
    and sharing what’s personal to me.

    • David Morin

      Hi Pan!
      People often describe this to me like they have to “put on a mask” when they’re around others, so I can tell you that you’re not alone feeling like this! If you’re on our email list I’ll be talking more about that feeling in a few weeks time.

  58. Pan

    Hi, your video was quite helpful and well structured with good real life examples.
    My main problems (which possibly aren’t the exact topics you’re addressing) are that I can never feel like myself around people, even though I try to be honest and open in conversations. I generally always feel like I want to run away and hide, and I can’t wait until I can be on my own again and not having to deal with people.

  59. Pete

    I forget names easily

    • Gabi

      Hi René, good idea. Can I practise with you too?

  60. Matt79

    I’m not having a problem knowing what to say really, and I think my conversations flow pretty well. But I’m uncertain when I’m at the point where I’m talking too much. I’d like to be able to know when people have had enough of me 🙂

    • René

      hey maria i can be your friend ! Let’s put in practice what we learn here in SocialPro .

      • Hi Maria, glad to have you with us! Just saying that you want to improve is the first step, I hope you will find our videos and articles helpful on your journey 🙂

  61. maria

    my goal is to just get at least 1 new friend. im tired of being lonely. it just feels like nobody has any time to meet up anymore 🙁

  62. Sarah K

    The thing I’d like to improve is to findd a natural way to get a conversation going. Conversations just fizzle out and I don’t know what to say.

  63. Mathis D

    I just want to be more at ease and to be able to enjoy meeting new people. I think Im pretty relaxed with my old friends, but I just seem to blank out with anyone I dont know.