There’s one thing most miss when they try to talk to someone they just met…
You see, I just came back to NYC after visiting friends and family in Sweden.
Here are me and my buddies on my “last supper” in Sweden
While I was gone, we got some new folks in the co-living back in NYC. So yesterday I got a chance to get to know them. (Read about how to make friends in NYC here.)
You know, I get emails every day and the most common questions are: “How do I start a conversation with a stranger?” and “How do I come up with things to say?”
It took me a decade before I really figured this out.
Here’s the thing…
When two people meet, they need to make small talk for a few minutes to get to know each other.
Small talk is important. But what we actually say when we make small talk isn’t.
You see, when two people meet, they need to make noises with their mouths while they figure out if they like each other. What that noise contains is less important.
What’s important is in what way we make that small talk. Are we approachable, likable, needy, hostile, nervous, or something else? We need to just have something to talk about while we pick up on all that underlying, important stuff.
Here’s the trick: When you make small talk, you want to practice coming off as warm and relaxed.
With warm, I mean being friendly and pleasant. If you’re warm but not relaxed, you’ll appear nervous. If you’re relaxed but not warm, you’ll appear like Lil Wayne.
Relaxed doesn’t automatically mean calm. You can be both relaxed and high energy. Relaxed here means at ease and natural, as in the opposite of tense and awkward.
“But David, even if what I say isn’t important, still, what should I say?”
What I do is to say anything that’s related to THEM or the SITUATION.
Here are some examples:
- “Hey, how are you doing?”
- “What are you up to?”
- “How do you like it here?”
- “Have you been here before?”
- “Have you tried the caviar?”
- “This is a nice place”
- “I love this view”
(Practise formulating questions or phrases like these in your head until you can fire them off at any time. That will make your life so much easier.)
Try saying the stuff above out loud in a nervous way versus in a warm and relaxed way. Think of it like how you would say it together with a good friend.
Small talk isn’t about what we say, it’s about how we say it.
“But David, it’s not that easy to sound relaxed if you’re nervous”.
I know! But when you start focusing on this, each new social experience will make you a little better. You can practice a little bit every single time you exchange a few words with someone.
You can even try saying “no thanks” in a more warm and relaxed voice the next time the cashier asks if you want the receipt.
Most people focus only on what to say. If you focus on how you say it, you’ll stand out.
So in its essence, say anything as long as it’s related to them or situation. The important part is to sound warm and relaxed.
What are your thoughts? Let me know in the comments!