This Is What Changed Everything For Me

Say hello to old David.

– I worried what others thought of me and that they wouldn’t like me.
– It took me forever to connect and make new friends.
– I felt weirdly incapable of making normal conversation and coming up with things to say.
– I felt like I bored people because I wasn’t interesting enough (and was often ignored in group conversations.).
– Often, just thinking about talking to strangers made my hands sweat.
– And man… don’t get me started about talking to girls. Here’s where I went full weirdo.

And what’s more, I was certain that’s just the way I was.

This didn’t just make my conversations awkward…

It slowly eroded the limited social life I had.

No one wants to experience the pain of talking to an awkward person. I eventually realized that it wasn’t their responsibility to figure out that I was a nice and interesting person.

Friends didn’t want to deal with awkwardness and forced small talk. So they made up excuses. They were often “busy.”

Of course, I didn’t realize that it was only excuses until years later.

I only realized it when I saw how eager people can be to hang out with you when you know how to connect.

How I freed myself from the prison in my head

Think about that awkward conversation you had with someone. Or the date where you didn’t know what to say. Or the job interview where you didn’t come off as “the right candidate” even if you were a perfect fit.

I want to tell you about how I got to where I am today. How I freed myself from thoughts spinning in my head, a racing heart around strangers, and lonely weekends worse than prison.

I was determined to be successful in life because I was sure that once I got successful, things would change.

Maybe you’ve had similar thoughts?

  • “Just wait until I get a new job.”
  • “Just wait until I make more money.”
  • “Just wait until I find the right guy/girl.”
  • “Just wait until I look better.”
  • “Just wait until I succeed with my dream.”

So I worked hard for years.

I started a company that did really well. I moved to a nice house in a great area and could buy myself whatever I wanted. So in the eyes of others, I did become successful.

But I didn’t feel successful, because nothing in my social life had really changed. I was still awkward. My school buddies had all moved to different cities. I still spent most weekends alone.

Nothing that really mattered had changed.

I understood that to be confident and natural around others I needed a new strategy.

It turned out that I’d made a huge mistake:

I thought it was wrong to read books on confidence; that it would make me fake. But I slowly realized that I couldn’t figure it all out on my own.

You know… those who went to school discos when they were kids built their social confidence “the natural way”. But still, they needed a decade or more of practice…

If I did the same thing, it would have taken just as long for me.

And I was already a decade behind in social experience. I needed something quicker – I needed to learn instead of just blindly doing.

So, I read everything I could on confidence and social interaction. I was busy running my company, but I practiced whenever I had a chance. Just a few minutes of practice on some days still made a difference.

I had been so stupid. I threw away 1000$ on a new TV because that’s “normal”. But I started to sweat when a course about social skills capable of changing my life cost a fraction of that.

Finally, I understood how much faster I learned by tapping into other’s knowledge.

And the opportunities my social confidence have given me have returned at least 100X of what I invested in books and courses:

  • All the friends I’ve made since I started my journey
  • The amazing people I’ve met
  • The life I now enjoy in NYC
  • And my company, SocialSelf…

I took small steps.

  • Instead of just ignoring the passerby on the street, I nodded (even though it felt super uncomfortable at first).
  • Instead of just nodding to the cashier, I asked how she was.
  • Instead of just exchanging the basic greetings with my coworkers, I asked them how their vacation went and how their kids were doing.

I got all of that thanks to investing in myself.

I took small steps, practicing what I’d learned. I didn’t have to do anything scary.

Here’s an example:

When I met people, I just couldn’t relax and felt insanely awkward.

It came to the point where I would stay in my apartment anxiously watching Netflix instead of meeting people.

In one of the many books or courses I went through, I learned a method called “making friends with your nervosity”. Instead of trying to push nervosity away or avoid it, you can pay attention to it and let it be in your body without trying to fight it. You can even name it. (I named the pressure in my chest Bob.)

Something strange happens: When you stop “fearing the fear”, it loses its grip on you.

Anyway, when I first tried it, it didn’t go well.

There were so many other things to think about when I actually talked to someone.

It was like when I learned to drive. At first, it was impossible to steer, accelerate, and look for pedestrians at the same time.

But I practiced whenever I was around strangers.

One day I talked to someone and realized that I didn’t have that anxiety in my body. I actually enjoyed a conversation with a stranger.

WIN! I smiled all the way home.

I started to realize that the voice I had in my head had been wrong the whole time. (You know, that voice telling me, “You don’t have what it takes.”)

I made a realization:

Being able to talk to people in a relaxed way and connect with them is a skill you can learn. It’s not something you have to be born with.

Do you get that? It took me years to really get that.

I could be myself. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else to fit in.

When I saw how much people liked to be around me, my self-confidence grew.

Here are some recent photos I’ve taken. I included them here because I think that they sum up my social life today. I’ve never been a party person. I always wanted a close circle of friends I can hang out with when I’m up for it.

And it all started with the understanding that being confident, natural, and relaxed around people is a skill you can learn.

Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if this never happened…

According to research, we lose half our friends every seventh year. This means that there would be no way for me to make friends faster than I lost them. For me, that would mean spending more and more nights and weekends in an empty apartment as the years pass by.

Bottom line: Choosing to not do anything is a bad option.

Share your thoughts in the comments below. I’d love to hear what your path has looked like so far and where you would like to go in the future!

David Morin is the founder of SocialSelf. He's been writing about social skills since 2012. Follow on Twitter or read more.

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127 Comments

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  1. Hi there,
    How do I overcome not being able
    To make or hold eye contact? I’ve
    Tried everything I’ve read online. Nothing seems to help.

    Reply
  2. Thank you so much for sharing your journey of social self-awareness. As I too have had a hard time coming out of my shell and talking to ppl throughout my life. But I’m working on building myself up bit by bit to learn to casually talk to ppl w/out feeling totally awkward. Starting with a little small talk and depending on how the conversation flows, eventually opening up to ppl to a level I feel comfortable with. (of course w/out divulging too much personal info). #Depressionstinks

    Reply
  3. Hi!
    I just wanted to say that your emails actually helped me a lot! And I appreciate it. Now i know how to make conversation with anyone and I won’t have problems with talking to my friends or somebody else. I’m really glad that I found your website. Thank you so much<3

    Reply
  4. Before signing up for the mini-course, I felt hopeless trying to interact with people I never met before, especially those who I find attractive. While reading the emails you’ve sent me, I began to learn the how to make meaningful connections from a fundamental level. To this day, I’ve become more confident and happier in talking to strangers, but there’s still a lot of room to grow in becoming less awkward and more confident. Hopefully one day I will find my group of friends who I can connect with.

    Reply
  5. I’ve always felt like I’m at this point in my life where I can’t really socialize and it’s hard for me to talk to certain people although yes I do have friends that you know I’m quite close to maybe just a few it is difficult to talk to strangers and I feel like ever since I started reading your articles I feel like it’s a new path for me, yeah and I’m really grateful…

    Reply
  6. Hi, David. You write interesting and persuasive emails and I’m potentially interested in your course. As I understand it, the course does cost a chunk of change, though. If I am not satisfied along the way, do I have the option to cancel the cost of future sessions? Thanks.

    Reply
  7. Hi David, I’m ever encouraged by your story it’s really helpful to me, I also face the issue of feeling like people won’t listen to me so I decided to keep quiet though have something to say, but through the advice, you give me day to day, I believe that practice makes perfect, thank you so much for your time to let me know how to connect with people

    Reply
  8. Hmmm… reading all these for my ‘name sake’, I can’t but acknowledge that those challenges/experiences are typical of mine. But I’m glad and excited to see how you overcame those feelings and social challenges; also I’ve learned some tips on how to improve my social life.
    Thanks a lot, David.

    Reply
  9. Hello David! How is it going? First of all, I’d like to tell you that your emails have been really helpful and motivating to not give up on myself. I myself get very conscious in social situations, I often don’t have much to say and only answer questions when asked rather than making an actual conversation, and this has been going on for a long time, and it makes me feel very awkward and uncomfortable. My relationship with my gf too failed because of my inability to communicate properly. I would really love some advice also regarding if I should go to some counselors who help with these issues.

    Reply
  10. As usual, your email was enlightening and encouraging..personally, I’ve always had gut feelings about people I meet which have always been consistently accurate..continue to admire your courage and perseverance in getting where you want to be..by the way, your photo gave me the vibe of a truly great guy who was much too hard on himself..you struck me as someone who would indeed have been delightful to talk to and would make a kind and caring friend. If only younger David had given himself half a chance..happy I am to see you are finally doing so and are becoming that kind and caring friend you always were inside

    Reply
  11. Read your email, glad to hear you are were you are in social confidence, I myself had reached a point in high school where I was at my peak everyone wanted to be around me getting girls was easy definitely top of my game, then got in trouble and made a crucial mistake and told myself to change yourself to please them, it was then I lost who I was, tried time after time to get back were I was and started to come more and more akward myself too and became agoreafobic, I’m running my own business now aswell but still feeling the same social wise, with someone also but not happy, how would you suggest for me to get to a good level of confidence again? PS: tired of feeling lost

    Reply
  12. David, I think if I were born at the same place and at the same time that you had, we could be the best friends ever. I’m going through the same thing that you had gone through in your past. I have also the same thought that you used to think. I can understand how it was felt.

    Reply
  13. Hello David when I was reading through ur post just there it was reminding me things about myself, that I was like that it’s as if we were in the same situation, I don’t like parties or crowds, I prefer having the few friends I have got to chat with and maybe go out for lunch, as I went out with my friend Sharon whose got cancer for lunch the other week and that was good just to get out!!, I met Sharon at the coffee morning one day at the church then we became friends which was nice, my other friend Sharon who I knew from school told me to go to the coffee morning to meet her and her mum and some others at first I was quiet as I didn’t know what to say, then the others brought me into the conversation which was good.
    I love reading ur posts David as it’s things that remind me of the same things we both went through, as I used to hate getting my photos taken because of the way I looked but now I don’t bother now as everyone’s different.
    Looking forward to hearing more from u from fiona

    Reply
  14. I feel anxious around people that I don’t know, I feel people are not interested in talking to me, I feel like an outcast.

    Reply
  15. Hey David! Your thoughts on social awkwardness & running out of things to say are identical to mine! I’m so glad I found your website.
    I would like to know the books you’d read for making conversations and the steps you took in practicing them. Thanks again for your thoughtful emails!

    Reply
  16. Reading the opening paragraph in this article was like a list of checkboxes for me right now. I so relate but am also hopeful that I can improve. Even the simple OFC method has helped me in quite a big way already. Thank you for sharing David.

    Reply
  17. How do I become a better active listener? Whenever I talk to people my mind just goes blank, which turns into awkward silence and I don’t know what to say in a conversation. That’s when I get uncomfortable and want to leave. My sister always tells me “it’s like you’re hearing but not listening “and I also struggle connecting with people and approaching like I can do small talks but afterward I don’t know how to connect and make friendships.

    Reply
  18. Hi David
    First, thank you for all your advice.
    I wanted to say that I am exactly like your old version and I’m afraid that I won’t change. I hate myself for this and I have a bad relationship with every one and this is definitely my fault. I wanna change

    Reply
  19. At this point, I am feeling quite alone even though I’m married but our lives have changed so much. My husband is retired and I work part-time. I love and need social interaction. Our children are all grown and have their own lives and I also have quite dysfunctional families on both sides. I don’t want to be too dependent on my husband, children and current friends I do have at the same time that I have in my life to feel whole all the time. I constantly need a connection to feel satisfied otherwise I became anxious depressed and lonely. Between my husband and I we only have a small group of friends and regularly see them. My husband is now home all the time and isn’t really social otherwise. He is quite comfortable with that but I need more. I look at other friends and constantly compare myself to their lives. They are the ones that have all the things that I want to have in my life. Wider groups of friends, good families and always busy. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I even have trouble in some conversations still and sometimes with my husband and my children lately. I feel I’ve lost my confidence and no one really invites us or contacts us to anything. I do have two really close friends but one of them it is always the same topics of conversation and get tired of talking about the same things. I want my life to change for the better but not sure how to go about it.

    Reply
  20. I’ve been in your shoes and have been slowly learning what you learned but it takes time

    My mental problems stem from my parent’s verbal abuse

    Reply
  21. I just want to let you know that i thank Gob for people like you wanting to help so many lonely people reading this has helped me so much in becoming more social I can finally have conversations without making it awkward something always pops up to my head to say I learned that you just have to be relaxed and not to pressure yourself if someone doesn’t like you its ok there’s plenty of other people that will enjoy talking to you there’s no need to feel bad about it its life

    Reply

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