12 Ways to be More Outgoing

Scientifically reviewed by Viktor Sander B.Sc., B.A.

I’m an introvert who spent most of my childhood on my own. I felt uncomfortable, nervous and shy around people.

Later in life, I learned how to overcome my awkwardness and become more outgoing.

1. Remember that everyone has insecurities

Every time I entered a room, I felt like everyone noticed me. It felt like they judged me for how nervous and awkward I was.

In reality, we tend to overestimate how much others pay attention to us.

Scientists call this the spotlight effect:

Feeling nervous when you try to be outgoing

The spotlight effect is the feeling that we stand out, when in reality, we don’t.

We FEEL like we have a spotlight on us at all times, when in reality, people are as busy thinking about themselves as we are.

Here you can see the distribution of some common insecurities:

How common are our insecurities?

  • 1 in 10 have had social anxiety at some point in their lives.(13)
  • 1 in 3 millennials say they have no close friends.(14)
  • 5 out of 10 see themselves as shy.(15,16)
  • 5 out of 10 don’t like the way they look.(17) (Only 4% of women feel comfortable describing themselves as beautiful.(18))
  • 8 of 10 feel uncomfortable being the center of attention.(19)
  • 9 out of 10 have some type of body insecurity.(20,21)

Yet, we compare our nervous inside with other’s calm surface.

Take a look at this photo, for example:

People are nervous on the inside, behind the confident surface

Underneath the confident shell, they are insecure and fragile beings (just like you and me). There are times most feel low or worthless or sob into a pillow. (But they never show that on Instagram)

When you look at them through this new perspective, how does that make you feel?

Doing this perspective-change can help us see the world more realistically. I call this recalibration. Recalibration is when we get a more realistic view of the world, and see that our beliefs don’t hold true.

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This more realistic view makes the world less threatening.


Whenever you walk into a room, remind yourself that beneath the calm surface, most people are nervous and fragile. This can take the pressure off of you and help you to be more social.

Here’s my guide specifically on how to be confident for you who feel nervous or shy today.

2. Practice being curious about people

I’m an overthinker, so I’ve always had trouble knowing what to talk about.

Take a look at this photo:

Being more outgoing when talking to someone

Imagine that you say “Hi, how are you doing?” and she replies:

“I’m good, I had this huge party yesterday so I’m hungover though”.

Here’s how most people start thinking:

“Uh oh, she’s probably much more social than I am, and she’s going to realize that I’m not as outgoing as she is. And she seems to have loads of friends, too. What should I say to not come off as a loser!?”

This kind of negative self-talk does not help us be more relaxed and outgoing.

Instead of thinking about what you can say to not sound weird, focus on getting to know the one you’re talking to. When you focus on getting to know someone, you start thinking things like:

“Oh, how come she was throwing a party? What was she celebrating? If she’s hungover, was it wild or does she often get hungover like that? Was it her friends or was it through her job?”

Do you see what happened here? We made a mind-shift from comparing ourselves with someone to getting to know someone.

When we did, it got easier to come up with questions to ask and things to say. When we focus on getting to know someone, we get curious. And when we get curious, questions pop up by themselves.

(It’s like when you’re fully focused on a movie, and questions pop up without effort. “Did he survive?” “Is she the actual killer?” etc.)

So in the case with the party girl above, I can use any of the questions that popped up to continue the conversation. So, I’d reply:

“What were you celebrating?”

There are some more parts to this. You want to have a back-and-forth conversation: You ask some questions, then share a little about yourself, and so on. That’s what I will cover in the next step

I have also written a guide specifically on how to start a conversation with someone.

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3. Ask questions and share about yourself in between

I once met a guy who had a lot of interesting things to say. But he didn’t engage anyone else in the conversation, so after a while, people got bored.

Other times, I’ve met people who only ask questions. That also gets boring after a while, and you wonder if they are interrogating you.

So how do you find a balance so people stay interested? Enter the “IFR”-method:

  1. Inquire
  2. Follow-up
  3. Relate

First I Inquire: “What have you been up to today?”. Maybe they reply: “I slept until 2 pm so I haven’t done anything actually.”

Then, I Follow up: “Haha, oh. How come you were you up so late?”. They might reply something like: “I was up all night preparing a presentation for work.”

Now, I Relate: “I see. I used to do all-nighters a few years ago.” And then, I simply I Inquire again: “What was the presentation about?” “It was about a study on the environment that I just finished”. F: “Interesting, what’s your conclusion?”.

“But David, how do I come up with these questions?”

Answer: By paying close attention to what someone says as I talked about in the previous step. Then, your natural curiosity will activate.

Do you see how we can loop IFR-IFR-IFR like that?

This can make your conversations more interesting:

You go back and forth, getting to know the other person and sharing a bit about yourself. You have a beautiful balance in the conversation. Behavioral scientists call this a back-and-forth conversation. 

Here’s my complete guide How to be more social.

4. Make conversations interesting by asking something slightly personal

Do you know what makes a conversation boring? Getting stuck talking about facts.

“They say unemployment rates have increased across the nation”

“Yeah, I heard they’re even going up on the east coast”.


Unless you both love the specific topic, these conversations get boring after a while. Here’s a trick I use to make this conversation interesting: Ask a question containing the word “You”.

Here’s what I would say:

“Yeah, I hope that more people won’t lose their jobs. What would you work with if you were to change job completely?”


“Did you have a dream of what you wanted to work with when you were a kid?”

After they’ve replied, I then relate by sharing some of my job dreams, as I showed in the IFR method from the step above. Do you see what happened there?

Now we’re talking about something personal, which is much more interesting. We’re getting to know each other, rather than talking about facts we could as well have googled. 

Personal is interesting because it means that you are getting to know someone.

Here’s my guide specifically on how to be more interesting.

5. Accept your flaws

Back in school, some bullies always picked on me for everything and anything.

My brain “learned” that people would judge me. Years after school, I still assumed that people would pick on me. (Even if it hadn’t happened since school.)

As a result, I tried to be as perfect as I could be, so no one could pick on me. But… it didn’t make me more confident. Only more self-conscious. And how can you be social when you’re afraid of being judged?

A friend of mine taught me something that finally helped:

Instead of trying to be perfect, he had started to be completely open with all his flaws. He was a virgin until very late, and he was always petrified that people would find out. Finally, he decided to stop caring if people knew.

It was as if he went “Ok, I give up, here are my flaws, do what you want with it”.

And the judging demons in his mind *poof* disappeared. Why? Because there was nothing left to chase. Now, this doesn’t mean that my friend started telling everyone that he was a virgin. That’s not what it is about.

I would describe the mindset as “If anyone would ask, I would tell them, not try to hide it”. I was always obsessing that my nose was big. It came to the point where I tried to angle myself in a way that people never saw my profile.

Whenever I entered a room, I assumed that everyone focused on my nose. (Which I now know was only in my head.) But I decided to not try to hide my flaw.

It’s not about trying to convince yourself that you have no flaws. I didn’t try to make myself believe that I had a small nose. It’s about owning your flaws.

Nervous over our flaws

Everyone walks around comparing themselves with other’s perfect surface. 

Owning your flaws is the realization that being human = having flaws. What’s the point of hiding that we’re human? It’s better to just put down our masks.

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We should still work to improve ourselves, but not try to hide who we are at any given point. Whenever you fear that people will judge you, remember this:

Own your flaws.

Here’s my friend’s story on how he decided to own his flaws.

6. Remember that rejection can be something good

My socially successful friends said something that I at first couldn’t believe:

They faced rejection all the time and liked it.

Wait, what. Why?

Well, here’s the thing: I saw rejection as a sign of failure, something to avoid at all costs. They saw it as a sign of self-growth. To them, getting rejected means that you take the opportunities life gives you. In other words, that you live life to the fullest. It took me some time to wrap my head around, but it makes sense:

A life lived to the fullest is full of rejections, because the only way to not get rejected is to not take chances.

There are even games you can play to practice rejection. Here’s what I do:

If I want to meet up someone, be it a girl I’m attracted to or a new acquaintance, I send a text:

“It was nice talking with you. Want to grab a coffee next week?”

Two things can happen. If they say yes, great! I’ve made a new friend. If I get rejected – great. I’ve grown as a person. And best of all, I know that I didn’t miss out on an opportunity.


The next time you might face rejection, remind yourself that it’s a sign that you live life to the fullest.

7. Stay a little extra in uncomfortable situations to re-train your brain

I could be myself around close friends, but around strangers (especially intimidating ones) I froze up. With intimidating, I mean anyone who was tall, good-looking, loud, confident, and so on.

I even remember asking myself: “Why can’t I relax and be normal?”

What happened was this: I got afraid, and my body started pumping adrenaline. I entered the fight-or-flight mode. A friend of mine, Nils, tried to overcome this by doing crazy out of your comfort zone-stunts.

During one period in his life, Nils tried pushing as far out of his comfort zone as he possibly could.

laying down in a busy streetLike laying down on a busy street

Speaking in front of a large crowd

Doing stand-up on the subway

Talking to every girl on the street he felt attracted to.

Here’s the problem: It didn’t work because he couldn’t do this on a regular basis. It was too exhausting for him.

What can work better is to stay in slightly uncomfortable situations for longer than we normally do. And doing it regularly in a controlled manner.[10]

Here’s an example:

If you get uncomfortable talking to a stranger, you probably try to wrap up as soon as possible. Instead, try to stay in the conversation a bit longer, even if it’s uncomfortable.

The more hours we spend in awkward situations, the less they affect us!

How to overcome nervousness and be more social

Every time you feel nervous, try to stay in that setting because the longer you feel nervous, the more you’re emptying the nervosity-bucket.

Before, I saw that nervousness as something bad and tried to avoid it. When I learned this, I started staying longer in those situations. I even started feeling good about being nervous, because I knew that I slowly poured out the nervosity-bucket.

When that bucket is empty, that’s when you can be truly relaxed around people. That’s when you stop freezing up.


Stay in situations that make you uncomfortable for as long as you can. Remember that whenever you feel nervous, you’re slowly emptying the nervosity-bucket. Once you’ve poured long enough, you’ll come out the other end a more confident person!

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8. Dare to be warm to people right off the bat

I used to have a strong feeling that people wouldn’t like me. I think it came from my time in elementary school where some of the other kids used to bully me. But the problem was that long after school, I was still afraid that people wouldn’t like me.

I also had a conviction that people didn’t like me because of my big nose. As a defense against rejection, I waited for others to be nice toward me before I dared to be nice toward them.

I illustrate the problem in this diagram:

How to be likable and social

Because I waited for others to be nice toward me FIRST, I came off as distant. People replied with being distant back. I assumed it was because of my nose.

Do you see how stupid that is? One day, as an experiment, I tried to be warm toward people FIRST. I didn’t think it would work, but the result surprised me!

When I dared to be warm first, people were warm back!

When you're warm toward people, they like you back

This was a huge leap on my personal journey to be more outgoing.


When you’re afraid that people won’t like you and the safe path is to be cautious, instead try to be warm toward them.

Now, warm doesn’t mean that you should be needy, because that will backfire. I explain more here.

9. Share small things about yourself so they can get to know you

To be approachable and outgoing, we need to share a bit about ourselves when we talk to someone. I’ve always felt uncomfortable doing this. I was more comfortable asking questions and getting to know others.

But here’s the thing: For people to trust you and like you, they need to know a bit about you.

This isn’t about sharing your innermost secrets, but a glimpse into who you are, so you don’t come off as a walking black box.

Here’s what I mean.

Maybe you’re talking about, say, plants. I could say: “I remember growing tomatoes when I was a kid. Did you grow stuff as well?”

Notice how it isn’t about sharing something sensitive. It’s about showing that we’re human.

If we’re talking about Game of Thrones, I would say “For some reason I’ve never come around to watch it, but I did read the Narnia series some years ago. Are you into Fantasy?”

If we’re talking about apartment rents (To show that this works for all kinds of subjects) I could say: “My dream is to one day live in a highrise with a great view. Where would you wanna live if you could live anywhere?

Notice this back-and-forth “I did/think/dream of this, what about you?” – that’s a GREAT way to get to know someone, and for someone to get to know you.


Share small things about yourself, and follow up by asking something about them. Don’t be a black box!

10. Smile using the Crow’s-feet method

When I felt uncomfortable, I used a fake smile, or I forgot to smile altogether. Part of being outgoing is to have a natural smile.

It’s one of the oldest functions we humans have to show that we have good intentions. If we don’t smile, social situations become harder to navigate.

The problem is that if a smile isn’t genuine, it looks weird. Why? Because we forget to activate our eyes.

Here’s an exercise you can do right now:

Go to a mirror and smile with your eyes, so that you get small “crow’s-feet” in the outer corners of your eyes. THAT’S a warm smile that will make you look relaxed!

LESSON LEARNED: Smile with your eyes so that you get crow’s feet in the outer corners of your eyes.

11. How to keep eye contact

The third part of being more open is to keep eye contact. But growing up as a nervous, awkward nerd, I know that keeping eye contact is easier said than done.

Here are my tricks for how to keep eye contact:

  1. The eye color-trick: Try to determine the eye color of the person you talk to. When you do, you get preoccupied with trying to figure the color out, and it feels more natural to look them in the eye.
  2. The eye corner-trick: If it feels too intense to look someone in the eyes, look them in the corner of their eye. Or, if you’re at least three feet from each other, you can look at people’s eyebrows.
  3. The focus-shift method: This takes some training: Focus all your attention on what someone is saying when they are talking. If you do, it feels more natural to keep eye contact.

You need to move your attention away from you and re-focus on what they are saying. This takes some time to master, but it’s hands down the most effective way to maintain eye contact because it makes you more relaxed from the ground up.

Click here to read more about how to improve your eye contact.

12. Share your insecurities to overcome them

In step 4, I told you how owning our flaws makes us more confident and outgoing.

Here’s an exercise I invite you to do right now: Share in the comments below what your flaws and weaknesses are. Revealing something we try to conceal can be empowering.

You can also read other’s comments and see how everyone has flaws – so why even bother hiding yours?

Let me know in the comments below – I’m excited to hear from you!

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David Morin is the founder of SocialPro. He's been writing about social skills since 2012. Follow on Twitter or read more.

Go to Comments (71)

71 thoughts on “12 Ways to be More Outgoing”

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  1. I have social anxiety and depression and have like 1 friend and I think I am losing them because I am boring and don’t know what to talk about or how to keep a conversation interesting and lasting.

  2. I feel like I have the opposite of the spotlight effect. I think that when I walk into a room nobody notices me really or if they do they don’t really want to hang out with me because I come off as boring. I also have a speech problem that I am insecure about so that makes me even more shy than I already am. I compare myself to my friends who are very sociable and popular and beautiful. I also just prefer to be alone sometimes and am very introverted and need my space. I want to be more social and outgoing but don’t always know how. I’m hoping this advice will help.

  3. I hated my nose, and how much my ears stuck out, I was slightly over weight and a freckle on the middle of my chin and a sucky smile. I’m very sociable around family and friends but around strangers I second guess myself and when the conversation goes dry I started blurting out random things and saying things I shouldn’t (don’t have a filter to save my life) Though I’ve started more recently instead of pointing out what I don’t like about myself I’ve started telling myself ‘yes I have parts of my myself I like better than others but at the end of the day why would I change this part of myself when it’s only adding to what makes me Me’ I’ve started being okay and loving my physical features especially…

  4. I am scared to meet new people. I always feel like I am being judged. I can’t be myself around anyone, especially my family. I know I am a victim of the spotlight effect, but I can’t seem to shake it. In the moment, I am just so nervous that I never say the things I want to say or act the way I want to act. I always leave situations unhappy with my personality.

    • I’ve always told myself that I can’t make friends and one of my best friends told me that “you have to start acting like your self because you’ve been acting like me by the way I dress or talked”. So I’m trying to learn how to be more out going and try to be myself. I found out I acted like her is because I was with her all the time. I never really liked my stomach. At school everyone made fun of my unibrow but I changed that by plucking it all the time so nobody knew at my new school. This girl at my school always tells me I’m fat and I’m a hoe but now I don’t care what she says because I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am and I am here on this earth for.

  5. I have a big nose, i still have braces and im unsatisfied with my teeth, i have crooked lips, my mouth gets dry when im nervous (not good), i feel overweight, i may not have a good sense of style, im poor, i am socially awkward (i know, shocker), i have a scar on my lip and forhead:(, i dont have perfect skin, i dont like my chin, i have a round face, i have dark circles and bags under my eyes, i have few friends, and never kept close friends, im not up to date with social media and trends and stuff, and im a stupid squid. lol jk about the squid part, i just thought it would look funny. see. im a loser. oh well. ill try some of these tips, there the best ive heard!

  6. It makes me happy to realise I’ve already started doing these things! I wasn’t always but about 5 years ago I realised I needed to change something about my mentality or I’d wind up hating myself and depressed. This has helped me understand why I do things the way I do, and introduced me to other stuff I can do.

    My insecurities are that I’m terrified of oversharing and people thinking I’m boring (I don’t drink or like going to events) I also worry that people think I’m mean. I enjoy banter but am hyper aware of peoples boundaries and am terrified of crossing a line, so if I think I’ve done something wrong I wind up apologising profusely even though so far no one has interpreted me as being mean or rude.

  7. Hi David,

    Thanks for the self help article.

    For me, I will say am a forced introvert. I grow up like every normal child and liked by everyone but I had a childhood accident that left me with a missing part, because of this people, family and friends, joke and call me insultive names. They even playfully predicts my future. “I won’t be able to do this or get that in life”. As a young boy this made me very afraid and feel defected. Gradually, I started withdrawing from people and activities I like. A walking black box.

    Am the good looking quiet guy that sits alone and mind his business. I got used to being lonely because I found peace and calmness when I was alone and no one to talk about my injury. This withdrawal from social activities worked as a solution to my fear from sudden changes, name calling/rejection but am grown now and feel am stuck in that lonely life and can’t truly feel comfortable when people are around.

    I fake confidence and i can easily get girls because of my good looks but not the girls I truly like though. Also i just don’t make any attempts anymore because over time they discover am not so confident and very sensitive to criticism and we start having issues till break up.

    I have been trying to solve this problem because I know it’s traumatic and not a natural shyness.

    I also noticed along the line that I do well in short business meeting engagements. When discussing technical and important topics with facts and statistics, I can talk long and well but when it comes to making small talks and getting personal, I completely stay away from that because I dislike having the awkward silence and thinking about that makes me nervous.

    So David, How do I start making real progress, first with my family, since they where part of how my problem started, I am always uncomfortable around them and over compensate in everythig just to avoid their judgment. And this makes me distant and unlikable. With friends, I keep losing them because I can’t maintain the relationship. I am so used to my personal space and don’t call or visit. I feel confident when people don’t know me and can make friends to an average level.

    Basically I have developed an inferiority complex. Which is a major problem since I gradually lose belief in myself as I grow older.

    How do I go about breaking out of this to improve on my social life and maintain a close social circle?


  8. I think I am fat and not that good looking. when I was a kid I didn’t worry about any of that stuff bc I was a pure kid smiling all the time but so many things have happened to be and every time something bad happens to me its like I get a more clear look of the world and the people in it and I overthink everything and that’s where insecurities come to play

  9. People always tell me this isn’t a flaw, however, I see it as one, I have a stutter. I have worked tirelessly to cover it up and substitute words I have trouble with easier to say words. I have gotten so good at it, that when I tell people I have a speech problem they never noticed. As you can probably see being social, especially towards strangers is difficult when my own name is tough for me to say.
    This article was very well written and will hopefully help me become the outgoing I strive to be. I understand the struggle is real for most people, sometimes we are our own worst enemy, but when you realize that what you say and think is meaningful, you’ll get what you want out of conversations.

  10. I am the one who live childhood alone. My home is located in a isolate grassland, the nearest residence is 5 miles away. As I grew up, I am really introvert and clumsy at social interaction. It’s my fortune to see this article that really helpful for me.

  11. Flaws? I have a spinal diesase called scheurmans kyphosis which give my back a hunch like appreance, bassicaly igor from hunchback of notchdome. Its my biggest insecurity. Growing up i was always starred at laughed at or just made fun of. Esspecially in school. I hit a low point in life and well i joined them. Id make fun of my back too. It started with (im thr best at dodge ball. When thr teacher says backs agaisnt the wall i have a head start). People usually stopped makeing fun of me. And started talking to me. Im very shy soccaly. And with strangers its hard for me to be myself. But this post made me realize that if i just be myself and stop being shy and that everyone has flaws. I can be outgoing and a great person to talk to. Thanks so much.

  12. Great post! Thanks for the information. I totally relate to what you said about the cycle of unattractiveness. I would often be cold or distant towards other people because I didn’t want to try and approach them and risk being rejected. I would always wait for the other person to make the move before I took any initiative. I never realized it at the time but this was a weakness of mine. My low self esteem/confidence was preventing me from becoming more outgoing. I’m beginning to realize there is no harm in being vulnerable with other people, the worst that can happen is they don’t like me, big deal! What people think about me is not in my control. To continue with the exercise I’ll list off some of my other weaknesses: anxiety, low confidence, sensitive, jealous, selfish, afraid. It sucks having these problems but I think it’s good to be aware of them so I can begin to move forward in a constructive way.

  13. For me it comes and goes. I feel confident about my looks and abilities, for the most part. When I talk/hang out with people I perceive as “on my level or below” whatever that even means, I feel more outgoing and confident.

    When I am around people who I perceive as more “successful” (better looking, professionally, socially, have more interesting things to say, etc) then I clam up and it is a pretty obvious. All of a sudden I feel judged for everything, which in my head I know isn’t true, but it’s still hard to shake that mentality.

  14. I think for me when I’ve been on dates my nervousness and its usaully a bar or a busy coffee shop I’m not big on crowds feels like the spot light is on me? I never been to good
    in this field.

    I get frustrated I can’t keep the conversation going most of the time I overthink questions sometimes when I do it’s only for a bit then I go revert back to silence/small talk I am quite shy to begin with girls say I come across as awkward at times need to overcome this frustrating!

  15. I am socially inept. No art of conversation. I havr tried some of the methods listed, but just cannot get any success. I try to engage in a conversation but the mind just goes blank. I don’t feel I have anything worthwhile to say and nothing in my past that is worthy of making conversation.
    I’m clumsy around people I’m attracted to, always saying the wrong things and making them dislike me, or not want to talk with me. Sometimes feel desperately lonely, but I just know that I’m destined to this situaton, until death.

    • Never underestimate the power of doing just a little bit of practice every day for months.

      You see, you’re very likely to fail the first, second and tenth attempt you try something as advanced as social interaction.

      But slowly, your brain will build new neural pathways and learn. This takes months, just like it takes months to learn anything in life, like a new language, to be good at sports, etc.

      I know what you talk about and there have been periods in my life where I’ve doubted if I’ll ever improve. I did, but you have to practice again and again for your new social “functionality” to start manifesting in your brain.

      Never give up, and 2 years from now, you’ll see why 🙂


  16. Actually I become very quiet when people are around me..I just don’t know how to start conversation. My parent always scold me for this because I am very quiet and uncomfortable during our family gathering or with relatatives around.. I am not very sociable.. Maybe because I don’t know what to talk and no matter how many times I try I always end up being quiet and no fun.. I don’t find any topic to talk about.. Especially when it’s about my cousins whom I didn’t know exists.. And also when I am with old people.. I want to fill their loneliness and talk about things but I end up not agreeing with them or not finding anything to talk about… Sometimes I think why am I like this… Am I the only one who behaves like this… People around me think I am very weird cause I don’t talk with them.. Once my friend took me with her to introduce me with her friends.. I didn’t know anyone of them so when my friend went to washroom… The situation become awkward more like worse. When she returned I was like.. Ok I am going.. Pls enjoy with your friends… And that’s when I knew that I will never be able to become sociable.. Sometimes I think it’s because I have very low self esteem or I just think they will judge me.. ?I shouldn’t think that way though I always tell myself that it doesn’t matter if they judge cause you are you… But I don’t listen.. ? I want to change this part of me..

  17. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable around others because I feel like they are SO much better than me, and that they would never like me because I am not as good as them. And that also plays into me being easily intimidated by others. I also really try to avoid talking about personal issues because I feel that people could not possibly understand my problems.
    Also, I struggle to keep an interesting conversation going because my brain always blanks out for no reason, but I am going to practice these helpful tips to improve myself!

  18. I never know how to start a conversation, so I just wait for people to talk to me and well, it doesnt work very well. Eathier no one talks to me or they say something and I dont know how to respond. It becomes very awkward and it’s just horrible. My brother even says I’m socially awkward which doesnt help. I can easily talk around friends, but I dont have very many because I dont talk unless they talk to me. I get extremely nervous when new people try to talk to me. And I think it the reason I’m so nervous is because I’m worried they will think what I said was stupid and I dont feel confident with the way I look.

  19. The problem is that I’m way too quiet. I’m new at this school (going on to my 6th month) and I have a really small group of friends. I feel like I’m always last choice or I’m a pity case because no one talks to me unless I do to them. I’m confused on whether I chose bad friends or if it’s a problem that I’m not as loud and outgoing as they are. I feel left out because of my quietness and am starting to feel it’s because of my looks, only resulting in me to feel worse and become quieter then normal. There good people I’m just not sure if they like me. And what’s even more confusing is that I use to talk to them during my first month and was more louder. Now it’s like I shut everyone out.

  20. Im too preoccupied with being the most popular and being liked that I end up doing the exact opposite. Im never really included in group conversations and sometimes I just wish to be even noticed and hoping someone even asks me a question and engage me so I can feel included. Whenever I speak to someone , all I could think about is how not to look like a loser. Im very insecure about being funny that I end up being mean. I become mean as a means of compensating for not being popular or cool. Im always afraid to put myself into group conversations because I feel like I’m being judged. Im very insecure when talking to others and I smile overtly with strangers and it makes me feel like I’m kissing their but just for them to like me. All I want is to feel included in a group or to even have a best friend. I wish I could be funny like some people, that way I could feel more included, cool and likeable. Sometimes I see people having so much to talk about and laughing, that I wish I was that person who even has something to say. A lot of times I’m just quite because I don’t even have anything to say. A black box.

  21. This was helpful. It made me realize the things I needed to work on. So my situation is a bit weird, I’ve improved over the past years trying to get to the point I’m already at, it’s not perfect but it’s at least improved. I’m not social, but I talk a lot, but when I don’t know the person well I tend to blank out or be shy and quiet and makes it akward and hard for the person to talk to me. And I tend to try too hard and add my humor in conversations but since I’m under so much pressure in conversations, it’s not even funny and it doesn’t come out the way I was hoping. I love making people smile.. that’s why I want to get better at socializing. It also doesn’t help that I stutter, it was so much worse before.. but it’s still a everyday struggle for me. And when it’s someone I like, my face turns SOOO red.. it’s embarassing, especially when they point it out ???. But yes, I’m glad I’ve improved and I hope to get even better, I’m going to push myself and do everything that was instructed here. I hope that I’ll be fun to be around and just have everyone see that I’m an interesting person. I can’t wait. Sir god bless you for writing all these out… idk what I’d do without you man.. ??

  22. I hide so much about myself in fear of being judged, likely because I was made fun of as a kid for liking things that were seen as weird. I like emo/pop punk music, but I think people would think it’s immature for someone my age and I don’t want to be associated with some of the stereotypes that come with it. I play multiple instruments but I don’t talk about it because I feel like I’m bragging and that people who play those instruments would judge me for being bad. I like playing online pet games, even though I’m nearly an adult, and that’s what I got bullied for as a child. I’ve known I was bisexual for years, but I haven’t come out to my (supportive) friends because I still worry they’ll think I’m weird. I worry about what people think of my appearance, how my face is a weird shape and my nose is big and how I pick at the skin around my nails and it looks gross (and I do that because I’m nervous, which makes me more nervous). I’ve dealt with mental health issues my whole life but I’ve never told even my closest friends and family because I think they’ll see me as weak. I have so many insecurities, and I’m tired of it. I want to be able to share my interests with people without thinking about what they think of me.

  23. I’ve always felt insecure of my long neck, small teeth/my smile, the sound of my own voice, and just my overall lean-body type. It sounds kind of stupid but nonetheless I worry about these things. A lot of the time I feel like I can’t connect with people, and I always am concerned if it’s because of one of those factors. I also want to connect with so many people, but there are always roadblocks to me talking to them. However, this article is very helpful, even if it might be hard to learn how to use all the tips you’ve mentioned, I’ll try to take this into account to improve my social skills with everyone around me.


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