Kezia runs kezia-noble.com, she is one of the worlds leading dating experts and has helped over 100,000 men to overcome a multitude of sticking points and limiting beliefs.
You are known to give insightful and unapologetically honest advice. What’s one important truth that you teach your students when it comes to social life?
Never to become too available! It sounds kind of counterintuitive, because if you want to grow your social circle and make friends and connections, then yes, in the early stages you do have to be very proactive and say “yes” to a lot of invitations, even if you can’t be bothered or don’t really want to. However, at some point, you need to know when to value your time more wisely. People generally don’t like hanging out with loners or people who are just that a bit ‘too keen’ to come along to any gathering. This essentially comes down to the ‘abundancy’ attraction trigger. A person who is in demand in any area of their life will be perceived to have a higher level of value. Your presence will be appreciated a lot more if you don’t give it away too easily.
What piece of information or habit has had the most positive effect on your life socially the last years?
To be the last to arrive and the first to leave. Again, this goes back to the ‘abundancy’ mentality. Being someone who has little time and/or whose time is precious, creates an aura of high value. Everyone wants to connect with someone who is in demand.
I have also learned that humor can be the best solution when faced with nearly every unwanted social predicament. A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
Are there similarities between the advice you give on attraction and the advice given to people who want to improve their social life?
Absolutely. The attraction spectrum is very wide. Whether we use attraction in a sexual way, or use attraction to accumulate business, trust, and friends, the attraction principles remain the same. Demonstrating high value, having an abundance attitude, coming across as unapologetically genuine, being able to connect on an emotional and psychological level via verbal and non-verbal communication, listening, reading others and situations with accuracy, and of course having the confidence and self-belief to take action.
If you could restart your life knowing what you know now, what would you do differently?
The changes I would have made in the past in regard to my social life, would NOT include avoiding the people I had chosen to spend my time with, even if some of them had a negative influence on me at the time, they are still played an important and ultimately positive role in many ways. By spending time with ‘Losers’ or ‘Energy vampires’ (for lack of a better expression) It has served to give me the ability to spot these kinds of characters very quickly and filter them out efficiently and pragmatically.
However, I do feel that my unconditional honesty could have been a bit more sugar-coated sometimes. Not everyone really wants to hear ‘your truth (even if they pay lip service to it that they do) sometimes people just want to hear something that makes them a feel better, and now that I’m older (and hopefully a little wiser) I can see that I didn’t read situations or agendas correctly, and really should have known when it was socially and emotionally appropriate to unleash my unfiltered opinion and when to have just backed down and offer well-meaning sentiments instead.
This is why I love what I do, because the men who come to me for advice really don’t want nice sounding sentiments, and make it clear that they want the full on no holds barred advice, feedback, and insights that will help them to take the right steps.
What’s your best advice to someone who tends to overthink social interaction?
I actually think it is important to be aware of what you’re saying and how you are behaving in social interactions because first impressions to amount to a lot. Overthinking is obviously not something that I encourage, but nor is underthinking. You should want to present the best version of yourself, and some people can do this effortlessly, but some people can’t, the ones who struggle usually end up coming across as guarded and quiet or if they’re a natural extrovert they will overcompensate and become overbearing, in which case thinking through stories, anecdotes, non verbal communication behaviours are key, and it’s essential to be able to observe people’s micro reactions, by observing others, you automatically take the pressure off getting too stuck in your own head or caught up in your own private reality.
What kind of person should visit your site?
Any man who is serious about getting more comfortable with women. The team and I have helped men of all different ages, of a wide spectrum of social statuses and from many different cultural backgrounds. Whether you want to overcome approach anxiety, become a better conversationalist, make sincere and impactful connections, get out of the friend zone or learn how to flirt with women you are attracted to, we can help. We have over a decade of experience and have helped increase the success rate of every single man who comes to us. Get started with this article about things you should NEVER say to a girl.