November 24, 2016 David Morin

How to Improve Socially Without Doing “Out of Your Comfort Zone-Exercises”

You’ve probably seen this picture before:

Comfort Zone Where the magic happens

 

It creates the impression that we need to be somewhere we’re not. So, we try to follow the advice we hear in self-help books.

“Escape your comfort zone”

“Approach ten strangers at a bar”

This is so far from where most of us are, that we won’t even be able to try it.

Then, we feel that we’ve failed. But in reality, it’s the self-help books and “break your comfort zone”-mantra that’s wrong. There’s actually a better way that doesn’t need weird and extreme changes in your behavior.

What we want to do is to challenge ourselves to do things we think is exciting, maybe even slightly uncomfortable, but not scary.

We want to take small steps – and stay in the right level of our outer comfort zone.

What won’t help you create long term, solid improvements:

  • Suddenly trying to become the super social person who talks to everyone in the bar
  • Overnight trying to “just be attractive” or “just talk to people”
  • “Talk to everyone you meet during an entire day”

What we want to do

What’s a small step you can take outside of our regular behavior?

When you DO feel comfortable telling that story to a friend or smiling towards the cashier, THAT’S when you want to take the next step.

Do you see what’s happening here? We’re not breaking out of our comfort zone, we’re slowly expanding it.

Imagine what would happen if you grow your comfort zone a little every day. Because you think it’s exciting rather than scary, it just grows and grows.

You’re not doing something you don’t want, you’re not doing what scares you, you’re doing what excites you.

Where would you then be, one year from now? What would you be able to do?

  • Perhaps you’d become a person who’s able to make effortless conversation with strangers.
  • Or, being able to tell a story that grasps everyone’s attention?
  • Going into a conversation feeling calm and confident that you know that you’ll be able to pull it off?
  • Actually enjoying yourself when meeting new people?

Comfort zone

Here’s something we discovered that most people don’t know:

When we look at socializing from this perspective, without doing weird social stunts, being good socially is actually one of the things in life we have a good shot at succeeding with. Think about it:

We have these small social interactions all the time. With people around us, at work, with the cashier at the supermarket, with the server when we order a burger.

We can use these everyday social interactions to take small steps out of our ordinary behavior. Each step is tiny, but over time, the compounding improvement is immense. I’ve seen it over and over in all the people I’ve helped.

As I’ve told you before, there are so many who believe they have something in them that’s “not enough”; that they need to be born a certain way.

But when we think rationally about it, being good socially simply comes down to doing small improvements when we’re around people.

Slowly increasing our social confidence, slowly becoming more socially skilled.

Eventually, we start enjoying being around people more, and others start enjoying our company more. Here’s where we finally have the freedom to choose the friends we want.

P.S. What’s one tiny step you can take right now? Have you made any small improvements already? I’m super excited to hear about your results in the comments!

Comments (20)

  1. Kafilat

    I tried to talk to one of my colleagues although I was nervous but scaled through

  2. Noami

    yes I started sayinng hi and passing a smile. I even started making a small conversation by observing the surrounding

  3. Anonymous

    Your technique to not be linear in conversations helped me relax tremendously and have an awesome first date the other night. Thanks!

    • David Morin

      Great! Congratulations on your awesome date 🙂

      David

  4. Alice

    I am so glad I found your blog. I am 63, recently widowed and look forward to enjoying life and meeting new people. You make it seem possible.

    • David Morin

      That’s awesome! I’m glad to have you with us 🙂

  5. Anonymous

    Hi David, thank you for everything you are doing for us, great achievements have been manifested in our lives socially. God bless you.

  6. Sahar Kholif

    Hi David I want to say thank you for including me to the email and i am feeling positive about myself now than before so I will loose weight and improve my English this my goal

  7. Anonymous

    Hi David.
    So far I’m enjoying your approach.
    I’m excited to hear more from you as ive only received a couple of emails so far but I feel like I can relate to your advice

    Thanks alot

    • David Morin

      Thanks! =)

  8. Andrew Goad

    Really fantastic email. I have had loads of improvement in my social skills to the point where a lot of people view me as a very competent and social person.

    From this perspective, and from my own work & results I can say you are right on the money (with regards to doing something in smaller / more incremental steps).

    Beautiful information & thanks for the share.

    Andrew

    • David Morin

      That makes me super happy to hear! 🙂

      David

  9. Tony

    Hi David,

    Currently wanting to get more clients and expand my business as a 19 year old. I am making 10 cold calls a day to get started. I’m slowly getting more confident and assertive to do it everyday.

    • David Morin

      10 cold calls a day, that’s great. Cold calling is often the last thing people want to do!

  10. Nick K

    Hi Dave,

    Currently trying to exercise each morning before I leave for work and that has infused some good energy, making me a bit less sluggish and more likely less irritable. I’ve been going to a woodworking group every weekend, where I usually meet new people and hang out with people I’ve already made some connection with. The group is really open and non-judgemental so I can be a little bit more at ease and not be so anxious. It was a great choice to start going, and we get to make cool wood items!

    • David Morin

      Hi Nick, joining a group of likeminded like that is actually one of the things that’s shown to be incredibly effective at making great friends. ( + that woodworking is awesome!)

  11. Claire

    Hi David, I’ve tried to work hard on my body language and I’ve also started going to the gym and eating healthier, and it has definitely made me feel better about myself. I also have tried looking more “open” and approachable by trying to smile at people more often.

    • David Morin

      Those are great steps!

  12. Great explanation David. Show really well why I struggle with some challenges, and others are really exciting. Though the major trap is thinking you are still at ‘exciting’, while that place has already become the comfort zone. I guess my next social challenge is talking to more random strangers for practice!

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