“I hate people” – What to do when you don’t like people

Scientifically reviewed by Viktor Sander B.Sc., B.A.

Last updated on

If you’re like me, you’re naturally inclined to not like people.

Here’s what I’ve learned after years of studying how people work, and why it seems like everyone gets along just fine while we’re the only ones who seem to think “I hate people”.

1. Is this you? Then, this guide is for you

Do you agree with several of the following statements?

  • Most people feel shallow and stupid
  • Many of those you’ve actually invested time and emotion in have ended up betraying you
  • You’ve come to realize that beneath the surface, people actually don’t care about others and lose interest in hanging out when it doesn’t suit them
  • You’re fed up with small talk and superficial niceness.
  • If you ever come home after a day of having to interact with others and think “I hate people”, this is for you.

Here’s the good news:

2. Why some of us don’t like people and why that’s good

It’s common to be fed up with and even hate people. A-type personalities (We who value getting things done over chit-chatting and exchanging pleasantries) are inclined to not like people. (Study)

Researchers call this trait hostility toward the world.

A type B type personalityHostility has a value. Someone has to get things done and then it can help to be aggressive.

Ever wondered why people always say the same things about people like Steve Jobs, Angela Merkel, Elon Musk, Theresa May, and Bill Gates?

“Yeah, they’re super successful. But I’ve heard that they’re real jerks”.

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Why? They value results over niceness and being agreeable.

(Did you know that less agreeable people tend to be more successful? It’s because they dare to stand up and fight for what’s important to them when others prioritize not stepping on anyone’s toes.)

Here are the bad news:

3. When it becomes a problem to dislike or hate people

If you’re like me, you can get fed up with people. But you also want a human connection. Even though some part of you have broken up with the rest of humanity, another part of you still wants to keep in touch with others.

Perhaps you’re still on the lookout for that unicorn – a person who isn’t shallow or stupid.

When hating people isolates us against our will, that’s when it becomes a problem. Why? Because no matter what we think, we’re social animals. We need human contact.

Thousands of years ago, our ancestors learned the hard way that having a small tribe of friends was the difference between life and death. When the neighboring tribe attacked, you’d better hope you’d have people around that you could trust.

We can’t put the finger on it, but being alone just doesn’t feel right. (Even if we wished we could just press a button to make us OK with not having to meet people.)

4. How people work

People socialize and have friends out of egoistic reasons.

  1. Why do people want friends? To not feel lonely. (An egoistic need)
  2. Why do people want to meet up with a friend? To have a good time = experience a positive emotion (An egoistic need)
  3. Why do people want to go do things with their friends? To share an experience. (An egoistic need evolved throughout history)

Now, we shouldn’t forget that you and I are evolved in the exact same way. We ALSO want to have (non-stupid) friends to not feel lonely, to experience positive emotions, and to share experiences.

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TAKE AWAY:

Yes, people are egoistic. But so are you and I. Egoistic socializing is a system so hardwired that not we nor anyone else is going to change that any time soon.

Important: We can wish people were different. But it’s not that everyone has a bad attitude. It’s about us humans being wired in a way we can’t unwire. We have to accept this fact about us humans, just like we have to accept that we all have to go to the toilet.

In other words:

If we don’t cater to people’s emotional needs, they won’t enjoy being with us and disappear out of our lives. Not because they’re mean, but because we’re all wired this way. Let me show you what I mean…

5. Why it is that people don’t care, lose interest, and betray

Imagine any of these scenarios:

Scenario 1: The “supportive” friend

Say that you went through a tough time, and you had a friend you talked with that about. The friend is supportive at first, but then, as the weeks or months pass by, you realize that they don’t really care and were just being polite. They become worse and worse at returning your calls and seem to ignore you.

Before we go into why, here’s another scenario.

Scenario 2: The betrayer

Let’s say you’ve been together with your partner to the point where you really trust him or her. You trust that person because they’ve reassured you how much you mean to them. You let your guard down and open up a side of you few ever get to see.

Then suddenly, without warning, the ultimate betrayal: They let you know they’ve met someone else. Or even worse, YOU find out that they’ve met someone else.

WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS?

Well, there will always be assholes. But if it’s a pattern in our lives, it could be that we’ve been so preoccupied with our own emotional needs that we’ve forgotten about theirs.

Our emotional needs (when it comes to friendships) are:

  1. Feeling listened to
  2. Feeling appreciated
  3. Experiencing similarity (We need to be able to relate and see ourselves in others)

If there’s a pattern in our lives that people disappear, we need to ask ourselves:

  • Do we come off as good listeners?
  • Do we show we appreciate people?
  • Do we build our relationships around similarities and commonalities rather than focus on the differences?

We can talk about hardships with friends, but if it’s the main thing we talk about, they’ll feel drained of energy and (because socializing is an egoistic act) they’ll prefer other friends who make them feel recharged.

Before we go fully misanthropic, we need to keep in mind that you and I work the exact same way.

TAKE AWAY:

We all want friends who we like being around: People who make us feel good. And if we want them to stick around, we need to make sure they feel good being around us too. People don’t flake on everyone, just the ones they don’t enjoy being around.

6. Why do people LOVE meaningless small talk?

You’re at a dinner and everyone seems obsessed with talking about meaningless stuff. The weather. Gossip. How nice the food is. You think to yourself: “I can’t be the only sane person here”. So you try changing gear.

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You bring up something that’s actually interesting to talk about. Philosophy, world problems, politics, psychology, just anything that isn’t lobotomized. People look uncomfortable, some seem to just stare at you.

“I’m sorry I actually talked about something that made sense!”

WHY ARE PEOPLE LIKE THIS?

When I delved into social psychology, I got a surprise: I learned that small talk has a very specific purpose. (If everyone does something seemingly meaningless, there’s often a hidden meaning behind it.)

Small talk is two humans just making noise with their mouths while a thousand things goes on under the surface:

We pick up on the meta-communication of the other person.

  1. We check if they seem friendly or hostile
  2. If they seem stressed (maybe that means that they hide something)
  3. If they seem to be on the same intellectual level
  4. What their social energy level is
  5. Their social status level in the group
  6. If they seem confident or low self-esteem

And much more. All to figure out if it’s a person we should befriend or stay away from.

These are things we determine subconsciously while we talk about the weather and how we look forward to those chicken tenders.

7. What we can learn from socially savvy people

When I made friends with extremely socially skilled people in my late twenties, I learned that they viewed small talk in a different way than I did.

This is what they taught me:

You need to talk about insignificant things to make people comfortable to talk about significant things.

Today, I can confirm this:

I have amazing relationships with friends that I talk about deep, interesting things with every day. But when we’d just met, we made small talk (while we tried to figure out if we were a match).

Saying no to small talk = Saying no to new friendships.

8. While small talk has a purpose, we don’t want to get stuck in it

So that’s the inner workings of small talk. It gives people time to subconsciously figure each other out.

With that said, we don’t want to get STUCK in it. A few minutes of small talk is usually enough. After that, most people get bored. We have to transition from small talk to the interesting stuff: People’s thoughts, dreams, fascinating concepts, interesting topics.

I talk about how to get past the small talk here.

9. Are people stupid?

There’s a saying that boggles my mind:

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Half the world’s population has an intelligence below average.

It’s true by definition – somewhere around 4 billion people are below average not just in intelligence, but in any capacity you can measure.

So whenever I see something happening in the world that I can’t explain because it’s too stupid, I have to remind myself that a big chunk of the population just isn’t very smart.

But that’s only half the story. Here’s another fact:

Half the world population’s intelligence is above average.

I’m a smart person. I score high on IQ tests. Yet, I meet people who are so intelligent that they blow me out the water. These people are proof that we can’t say “People are stupid”, because it doesn’t hold up. Some are, some aren’t.

In fact, it’s stupid to say that people are stupid because it’s a gross simplification.

I’ve learned that we can’t use “People are stupid” as a reason for not socializing. A large chunk of the population is really really smart (Smarter than you and I). We can learn to make friends with them and have amazing, enriching relationships.

TAKE AWAY:

We shouldn’t let stupid people discourage us from going out and befriending smart people.

10. The self-fulfilling prophecy of hating people

Here’s the wheel I was stuck in.

Main premise: People are stupid

Wheel of my thoughts:

Doesn’t bother to make small talk -> Doesn’t form deep connections -> Doesn’t talk with others about meaningful things -> “People are shallow” -> Develops a negative outlook on life -> Existing friends tire of negativity -> People are stupid -> Repeat.

Main premise: Some people are worth befriending

Wheel of thoughts:

Recognizes the value of small talk and becomes good at it -> Learns how to also get past small talk and bond -> Forms new connections -> Caters to the needs of both in a friendship which deepens existing friendships -> Sees proof that there are great people -> Motivated to continue improving socially.

If you want to go deeper into the subject, check out my guides here:

How to make interesting conversation

How to make new friends

Let me know what you think in the comments!

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David Morin is the founder of SocialPro. He's been writing about social skills since 2012. Follow on Twitter or read more.

Go to Comments (14)

14 thoughts on ““I hate people” – What to do when you don’t like people”

  1. I agree with few comments here. There isn’t clear answer for all situations since not everyone is the same. It sometimes indeed seems like most people are stupid and superficial creatures who never have enough something.
    Smart people or not, I’ve yet seen anyone who I appreciate truly and wish to talk more. What I prefer is read and understand or just see different thoughts and live my life in solitude.
    The world is simply so ugly.

    Reply
  2. I like the article. People have hard times reflecting on themselves it seems. I will try out your suggestions and hopefully will be able to improve myself. I do dislike people too, but it seems I come of rude to them as well, simply because I don’t communicate in a way the social norm does. In the end, we all depend on good human interaction at one point or the other.

    Reply
  3. I have a problem with people who to me come across as attention-grabbing and attention-hogging and I get more and more enraged as they talk, and talk and talk… ,But on the other hand I can feel scared to take up the social space even if offered it (condescending b**********s). The feeling that I’m not worth listening to hangs on because I think that’s what they think; otherwise why would they take up all the attention. I realise this could be faulty thinking though, and when not around grabby people I can be ok.

    Reply
  4. i think being around people is inevitable. I have had this problem my whole life, coming from an Italian family with socializing, restaurants.

    I always liked solitary activities, movies, sleep, music was never really my thing.

    I think once you realize what reality is that your life is temporary, you become less interested in humans.

    Reply
  5. I don’t agree with this I don’t think anyone is educated in this topic if you don’t like people that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you it’s your gut way of telling you that you don’t fit in to the norms of following the sheep herd no answers are right or wrong it just is I think Eric David has pretty much nailed it when he said people are selfish and rude I mean look what goes on in the world wars murder genocide etc people are pretty awful

    Reply
  6. I think that people in general are quite boring and selfish, its rare that i meet a person who mentally stimulates me,
    I feel like i make far more effort listening to the small talk and feel drained so i spend most of my time on my own.

    Reply
  7. When you think “everyone is out of step but me”, something is wrong. Don’t judge others too harshly; take a step back, relax. We are all human.

    Reply
    • I dislike people very, very much. After living with a narcicisstic mother, basically raising myself and then being met after work by my mother and being told to get out because i was18 now and she wouldn’t go to jail I have a low view of people. And it gets lower every year. Kids today don’t know a darn thing about doing without and men want one thing and will lie and cheat and kill to get it. Yeah I’m a recluse and am in the best company I know.

      Reply
  8. Biggest takeaway for me was – NEVER undermine the importance of small talk.
    It is like a flag waving that says “YOU will be safe here, come in”.
    That is very important

    Reply
  9. You Americans talk to much bs anyways. A lot of what is written would not apply to Europeans since idle chit chat without meaning is a very American trait

    Reply
    • I don’t like people a lot of the times because they are selfish and rude. Just looking at the news can make you angry and just scratch your head. Sometimes I wonder how stupid people can be and what human beings can maliciously do to each other boggles my mind.

      Reply

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