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I was one of those guys who never got any girls to like me.
Today, I’ve coached over 100 men and worked for 8 years as a dating coach. I know that no matter your current situation, it’s possible to become confident talking to girls.
Here are my best tips on how to talk to girls.
1. Best 6 things to talk about with a girl
What should you actually say when you start talking to a girl? What do girls find interesting?
Here are 6 topics that are fun and easy to start off a conversation.
- Movies, music, or books (What does she like? Figure out if you have anything in common.)
- Goals and dreams (What does she dream of doing in the future?)
- Family (Where are they from, does she have any siblings?)
- Traveling (Does she have any travel plans? What’s the coolest place she’s visited?)
- Work or school (What does she work with/what class does she like best?)
- What she likes doing in her free time
These topic are great to start off with because most girls have something to say about it. When you’ve started talking you can go deeper and develop the conversation more from there.
If you ever run out of things to say, any of these topics are great to restart the conversation.
2. How to stop being nervous when talking to cute girls
For some of us, nervousness causes us to freeze up as soon as we’ve started talking to a girl we like. Even worse if we got a crush on her.
There are many reasons to feel nervous when we’ve started talking with a girl:
- It feels like more is at stake
- We’re afraid of rejection
- We don’t have enough experience talking to girls
- We become self-conscious around a cute girl we want to impress
I have 3 tricks to deal with nervosity (and shyness).
A. Focus on the girl instead of on yourself
Do this by putting your focus on what the girl is saying, how she’s feeling, what she wants. Ask yourself questions in your head about these things. Try to figure out who she really is.
When you switch your focus from yourself to her like this, something magical happens. Your nervosity and self-consciousness will start to disappear. That’s because your brain can’t focus on two things at the same time. So if you focus on the girl, you’ll make sure you stay present and avoid any extreme nervosity.
B. It’s better to be a bit nervous than not nervous at all
If you’re a bit nervous and it shines through, that can create a certain tension and intensity. That tension is good for the chemistry between you and the girl.
For example, if your voice starts to shake a little, it won’t turn her off. Instead, it helps make the interaction more exciting and genuine. It signals that this means something to you which makes it more interesting to the girl.
Nervosity is our bodies reaction to preparing us for a new and challenging situation. It has the psychological function of making us more creative and wittier.
When we realize nervosity is there to help us, we can stop being “afraid of being afraid”.
C. Acting with fear
Just because we are afraid doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t do something. Even if your voice is shaking, we can still decide to make conversation with a girl we’re attracted to.
This is a powerful mindset known by behavioral scientists as acting with fear. It’s GREAT to be nervous and still do things you are afraid of. That’s how you conquer your fear.
It feels like fear is a sign to stop. But in reality, fear is a sign that something good is about to happen: That we are going to do something that will help us grow as a person.
Fear is not a sign to stop. It’s a sign of growth.
3. Learn how to talk to girls with the “bucket principle”
When we talk to a girl we’re attracted to, we often feel that we need to come off as smart, confident, and attractive.
When we try to solve this nearly impossible equation, we lock up. The end result is that we become less attractive.
The problem here is that we put the girl in the “girlfriend bucket” and everyone else in the “friend bucket”. To get more relaxed with girls, we need to start putting them in the “friend bucket” too.
Try this: Make a conscious decision to smile, talk, and interact with girls in the same way you would with a stranger. Don’t try to be funny, smart, or attractive.
Does this mean that you can’t have flirty interaction with a girl you’re attracted to? No, this isn’t what this is about. This is about not trying to do everything differently just because you’re attracted to someone. Trying too much is a surefire way to mess up.
Here are 6 signs that you’re being weird when talking to girls:
- Being too nice
- Being too polite
- Being too cocky
- Being cold
- Trying to be smart
- Trying to be confident
Just treat the girl like everyone else and be friendly. Down the road, when you know there’s a chemistry between you, you can start considering that girl as a potential girlfriend.
4. How to tell if a girl likes you
Here are some of the more common signs I’ve seen that tells if she’s got a crush on you.
- She’s laughing at your jokes even if they’re bad
- She added you on social media and likes your posts (Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram)
- She told her friends and family about you
- She’s teasing you in a playful or flirty manner
- She’s holding eye contact with you for a longer time than normal
- She touches you when you talk
- She seems extra shy when you hang out with her
- She gives you more attention than others
5. The mistake of trying to prove that you’re worthy of her
Most guys make the mistake of trying to qualify themselves to the girl.
They’re thinking: “What should I say to make her like me?”
It’s an unattractive mindset because it puts her on a pedestal. All the cool things about you become repulsive if you use them to “prove you’re worthy”.
What I like to do is to turn this around by assuming that I am worthy by default.
Then I can focus on finding out if she’s worthy of my standards.
You do this by simply making normal back-and-forth conversation. But your underlying purpose in the conversation is to figure out if YOU like her. When you focus on this, you will also feel more confident talking to her.
And if you like her, it will feel like a natural step to get her number or ask her to meet up again.
6. Increase attraction by maintaining suspense
Suspense is uncertainty combined with excitement. And you can increase attraction by keeping her in suspense.
If you give her compliments all the time and give her all your attention, she will know that she could have you whenever she wants. This kills the suspense for her, it’s not exciting.
If you give her just enough attention and compliments to tickle her interest, she will suspect you’re interested in her, but she won’t be certain. This will make her think even more of you because the human brain wants clarity.
This isn’t just something that works on girls. The girls I’ve been the most obsessed with are those who I didn’t quite know if they liked me as much as I liked them.
7. Keep her interested by “matching investment”
This principle is about matching her investment in your relationship (or conversation). So, if she’s opening up a lot about herself, you can match that by opening up equally much. And if she’s not opening up, you probably shouldn’t tell her your full life story yet.
The principle of matching investment also applies to most other things, for example, how long messages you write, and how you write them. Or how often you interact with her on social media.
If you text her all the time, she will feel pressured to answer you. The reason too much pressure on her is a bad thing is because it takes all the fun and spontaneity out of your relationship. Replying to you can start feeling like a chore instead of something fun and exciting.
If you message her as much or less than her, your communication will feel relaxed and mutual; it won’t make her feel pressured or stressed answering you.
Example: If she messages you several times a day, feel free to message her about as much. But if she never messages you, keep your messaging to a bare minimum. This avoids putting too much pressure on her to reciprocate.
This ties in with maintaining suspense like we talked about earlier. Don’t give her everything, all the time. Just give her enough to keep her interested.
8. Build attraction by being non-reactive instead of trying to please
When you learn how to talk to girls, you may notice how they start complaining to you, teasing you, or nagging you. Maybe they dislike your outfit, they question your life choices, or they complain about your haircut.
Most often, this is a subconscious behavior which happens because she’s interested in you. If you react and try to please her, it will often be a turn off for her. If you’re instead non-reactive, it shows that you are confident in who you are.
Example: A girl complains about your haircut.
In this case, the most attractive thing you can do is to show her that you are confident with your haircut and that her opinion doesn’t affect you negatively.
A non-reactive response could be to not even notice what she said, or it could be to play along with it as a joke because you found it funny. The important part is that you don’t try to please her.
9. Trying too hard to be funny or interesting KILLS the conversation
Most inexperienced guys get this wrong.
They think it’s so important to keep the conversation fun or interesting, that they forget about the most basic conversational rules. This leads to weird, awkward, or uncomfortable conversations.
Not even the most entertaining topic can help you if the girl you’re talking to feels uncomfortable talking to you.
If you can maintain a normal conversation that makes her feel comfortable and relaxed with you, you’re already halfway there.
10. The alpha-trap that KILLS attraction with girls
Here’s where guys make another big mistake (that I’ve also been guilty of).
That is, trying to play the role of an “alpha” or to be “mysterious”. The problem is that when we try to mimic alpha-behavior, we come off as fake and insincere.
I’ve seen way too many guys in clubs trying to play the role of someone everyone else can see that they aren’t. On top of that, when you try to be alpha, you’re not being yourself, and that shines through.
The same thing with guys trying to be mysterious; it just gets weird.
Ironically, there’s an easy solution to this. Focus on just having a normal, relaxed conversation and let go of all pick-up ideas.
Most girls dream of a man they can have normal, relaxed, and enjoyable conversations with.
When you can have a normal conversation with a girl without pretending you’re someone else, you will also become more confident and attractive.
11. Taking the next step when talking to a girl
How do you ensure that your conversation actually leads somewhere?
It’s easy to get stuck making conversation and entertaining. Then you conveniently forget (or don’t dare) to take the next step. I’ve done it over a hundred times… I’m was the master of excuses.
What I mean by the next step is to ask for her number/Facebook/Snapchat, ask her on a date/activity, or going from light physical touch to the first kiss.
I remember how my friend met his girlfriend. We were all hanging out in a big group. And when it was time to leave, he was going to go shoot some hoops with his best friend.
He then casually asked the girl he liked if she wanted to join them. She did. Not many days later they started dating. And weeks after that they were boyfriend-girlfriend.
Lesson learned: Just do it. Take the initiative and proceed to ask her out. If she says yes, that’s great. If she says no, that’s great too because now you know and can either try again with better timing or you can focus on someone else.
But how do we know WHEN we should proceed to take the next step?
When is it natural to take someone’s number or ask her out on a date?
My rule is this: Take the next step when the conversation feels good or when it’s natural for you to do so.
So how do you know when the conversation feels good?
The right time is when you are both having a good time talking and you both feel some kind of light connection. It can be so simple as when she feels: “Yeah, he’s normal and we seem to have some stuff in common.”
I’m not saying it’s easy taking initiative with someone you got a crush on. It’s really hard. But you’re going to regret not trying. And you’ll always be happy you tried even if it didn’t go your way.
12. Beating fear of rejection and developing courage
When I was around 18, I had never even kissed a girl. One of my biggest fears was making a move and getting rejected in some horrible way. I assumed that if I got rejected, it would prove that no girl could ever like me.
I figured I would wait for a girl to make a move on me. I thought, If I just got charming and attractive enough, it would eventually happen.
The problem was and still is this:
Most girls have the same fear of rejection we have.
If you don’t take initiative yourself, your chances are slim to none that you’ll ever meet someone you really like unless you’re very lucky or insanely good looking. Most girls are shy when it comes to taking initiative.
What helped me beat my fear of rejection was becoming aware of it. I started to see how my fear of rejection was holding me back from ever meeting a girl I liked.
I needed to push my boundaries and show my intentions toward girls I liked. If I never took initiative and risked getting rejected, nothing would happen.
I understood that I had to put myself in situations where I got rejected to overcome my fear.
I did a lot of online dating, and also talking to random girls I met in my daily life. I actually challenged myself to ask random girls out on a date.
Even if I got rejected most of the time, it was still a win every time I dared to do it; each rejection helped me overcome my fear and gave me more experience talking to girls. My courage grew with each rejection.
Mindset: Looking at rejection logically
If we think about it, what’s the worst that can happen? In 99 out of 100 rejections I’ve had, the girl has politely and friendly declined to give me her number. And nothing more happened, I just excused myself after some friendly parting words.
And you know what, getting rejected like that rocks!
I’ve never regretted asking for a girl’s number and getting a no. I’ve always left proud that I dared to do it. And usually, I learned something to help me do better next time.
I’ve actually been rejected more than a thousand times. If I hadn’t allowed myself to be rejected so many times, I would never have met my girlfriend as of 7+ years.
Rejection sounds dramatic, but in the end, a rejection is just a semi-awkward conversation or an unanswered text message. The world always moves on. And so will you.
13. How often should you keep in contact with a girl?
There are two main principles to balance when you determine how often you should communicate with her.
The first principle is to strike while the iron is hot. Don’t wait so long that she starts forgetting about you or assumes you’re uninterested. You want her memory of you to be bright and clear; you want her to be thinking about you.
But if you just went by this, you would probably come off as far too eager and intense. Being too eager signals that you haven’t got much else going on in your life and would put off most girls.
To balance this, we need the second principle: giving her time and space to develop her feelings for you.
When you give her some time to wait and think about you, she will start looking forward to the next time you message or call her.
Calling her about 2 days after you got her number usually strikes a good balance.
14. The mistake of proclaiming your love or feelings for the girl
I’ve seen this one so many times. And I’ve done it myself, too.
This goes in line with the tip about maintaining suspense. Avoid telling her how you feel about her or that you like her before you KNOW that she has feelings for you.
I’ve seen so many guys crush their chances by telling the girl about their feelings. It just ends up putting pressure on the girl to reciprocate, and if she hasn’t developed equally strong feelings yet, she will want to escape that pressure.
Even if she was a bit interested in you, and you told her you’re VERY interested in her, she will feel pressured to like you back just as much to avoid hurting your feelings.
We tend to obsess over things we’re uncertain we can get. Things we know we can have, we take for granted. So, if you make it perfectly clear to a girl that she can have you, you become less exciting.
Instead of proclaiming your love, take the next step through actions like we talked about before. Ask her out on a date, ask for her number, or go for the kiss.
15. How to approach and start a conversation with a girl you like
Approaching can feel extremely scary to many, it usually feels scarier the less experience we have with it. I have had clients that literally felt like they were going to die if they approached a girl, and after some training, they actually started to enjoy approaching.
So how do we get the courage to approach an attractive woman?
The answer I’ve found works best for most is simple but requires work.
I call it exposure training. The main point of this method is to expose ourselves to what we are afraid of gradually.
So, we start with something that is only a little scary until we feel it’s no longer scary. Then we move up our ladder to something a bit scarier and so on.
An example could be that you start by asking women about the time, then you give women a compliment, and eventually, you go over to asking for a date. This is how you build confidence and courage to approach.
The good thing is that approaching isn’t necessary to have success with girls. thanks to online dating and dating apps like Tinder. You don’t need the courage to approach a woman at random if you don’t want to.
In the comments below, I’d love to see you share one small step you can take this week to get more comfortable talking to girls.
It could be something like talking with a girl at work/or in your class at school, asking someone random about the time, giving a compliment, asking for a date, attending an event, or something else. And you get a bonus star if you get rejected.