How to Overcome Loneliness After a Breakup (When Living Alone)

We include products we think are useful for our readers. If you make a purchase through our links, we may earn a commission.

“I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We lived together for four years. Now that she’s moved out, I feel so lonely. I don’t have many friends to talk to, and I’m finding it difficult to cope.”

When your relationship ends, it might feel like you don’t have anyone to spend time with or confide in, particularly if you live alone. In this article, you’ll learn how to deal with loneliness after a breakup.

1. Reach out to friends

If you have a friend you can trust, reach out for help. Research shows that support from friends can help you adjust to single life.[1]

It can help to be clear about what you need from friends. You might want someone to listen to you talk about your breakup, or you might want to hang out with your friends and do something fun to take your mind off your ex.

It’s OK to be very direct. For example:

  • “I’m feeling lonely. I’d really appreciate a listening ear if you can spare half an hour?”
  • “Would you like to go see a movie at the weekend? I could use a distraction, and it would be good to get out of the house.”
  • “Could I call you today or tomorrow? It’d be great to hear a friendly voice and talk about trivial stuff.”

Reconnecting with friends if you’ve been distant

For most of us, getting into a relationship means spending less time investing in our friendships. It’s easy to neglect your friends when you start dating someone new and prioritize your new partner above everyone else.

To rebuild your friendships, you will need to take the initiative and reach out. If you haven’t been in contact with your friends for a long time, it may feel awkward.

There is a small chance that your friend may feel that you are only reaching out to them because you want their emotional support. It can help to say, “I know I haven’t been in touch for a long time, and I’m sorry for neglecting our friendship. I’d love to catch up sometime if you’d like to.”

Our guide on how to keep in touch with friends has more advice on how to stay in contact and rekindle old friendships.

2. Use a free listening service

If you feel lonely and need someone to talk to but can’t reach out to friends or family, a trained volunteer listener can be a supportive alternative.

Volunteers can’t tell you what to do, and they aren’t substitutes for friends. But if you are feeling particularly lonely, listening services can help you feel heard and understood.

Here are some services you might find useful. They are all free, confidential, and available 24/7:

3. Get into a routine

Routines can help you stay busy, which can stop you from feeling lonely. Think about the times of day or week you tend to feel worse, and plan activities to keep yourself occupied when you’re at home alone.

For example, some people find that their feelings of loneliness get worse at night. If this is a problem for you, make an effort to get into a bedtime routine. For example, you could have a shower, get into bed, read a chapter of a book, listen to a relaxing podcast, then turn off the light at exactly the same time every evening.

4. Learn to manage unwanted thoughts

It’s normal to think about your ex-partner after a breakup. But these thoughts can also make you feel lonely because they remind you that the relationship is over. You can’t suppress all your unwanted thoughts, but there are a few research-backed strategies that can help.[2]

Use healthy distractions

When you feel lonely, it can be tempting to throw yourself into anything that temporarily diverts your attention. But although distraction can be helpful, some distractions are best avoided because they can be addictive or make you feel worse about yourself.

These include:

  • Gambling
  • Excessive social media browsing
  • Overspending/excessive shopping, either online or in stores
  • Alcohol and other mood-altering substances

Pick an absorbing distraction, such as a hobby, sport, a book, a movie, or a DIY project. A healthy distraction nurtures your mind, body, or both.

Set aside time for rumination

For example, you could allow yourself 20 minutes to think about your relationship from 7 pm to 7.20 pm every evening. When you have unwanted thoughts about your ex or your relationship, tell yourself, “I’ll think about my ex later.”

Tackle one task at a time

Multitasking can increase the number of intrusive thoughts. Try to focus on one task and finish it before moving onto something else.

Try meditation and mindfulness

Although it’s a fairly new area of research, there’s some evidence that regular meditation can relieve feelings of loneliness.[3] Meditating for just 8 minutes can also help you stop ruminating,[4] so it’s a good idea if you tend to overanalyze your relationship and think about your ex.

Try a meditation app such as Insight Timer, MyLife, or Smiling Mind.

5. Make new friends online

Online friendships can help you feel less lonely. Here are a few ways to meet potential new friends on the internet:

  • Play games with other people; research shows that massively multiplayer online roleplaying games can be an opportunity to make friends[5]
  • Join a Discord server to meet likeminded people
  • Join a forum or subreddit that relates to your interests
  • Use social media to talk to people who share your interests; search for relevant Facebook Groups or use hashtags on Instagram to find potential new friends

You might find this guide helpful: How to make friends online.

Join an online support community

Online communities let you give and get support from other people who are feeling lonely after a breakup.

Here are three to consider:

It can be reassuring to talk to people who are in a similar position. However, try not to use online support communities as an emotional crutch. Talking about your relationship and ex-partner can be healing, but going over the breakup again and again can stop you from moving on.

6. Make new friends in person

Some people find that when they break up with a partner, the people they thought of as friends were really only friends with their ex. If this applies to you, your social circle may shrink suddenly. You may need to make an effort to make new friends.

Here are a few strategies you can try:

  • Join a class at your nearest community college
  • Volunteer for a good cause; look on VolunteerMatch for opportunities
  • Join a political or activist group
  • Go on Meetup and Eventbrite to look for groups and classes that appeal to you
  • Tell your friends and family that you’d like to meet new people. They may be able to introduce you to a potential new friend. Unless you are ready to date again, make it clear that you are looking for friends, not to be set up with a potential new partner

See our tips on how to meet like-minded people for more ideas.

7. Consider getting a pet

The scientific evidence on the link between pet ownership and loneliness is mixed. For example, although some studies have found that dogs can break the ice between strangers and may help you make friends in your local community, the findings on dog ownership and loneliness aren’t conclusive.[6]

However, some people get a lot of comfort and a sense of companionship from their pets. If you don’t already have a pet and are capable of taking care of an animal, adopting one could help you feel less alone.

8. Get support from a faith community

If you practice a religion, consider getting involved in your local faith community. Religious leaders are used to supporting people through life transitions, including breakups, and becoming part of a community can help you feel less isolated. Some places of worship run groups for people who are going through separation or divorce, which may be helpful.

9. Get to know yourself better

After a breakup, it’s normal to realize that you based your life around your relationship and your relationship. For example, you might have spent time with your ex’s friends just because they happened to be around, or you may have gone on vacation to a particular spot because your ex liked it.

If you feel like you don’t know who you truly are, you might feel uneasy in your own company and be unsure how best to fill your time.

Here are a few ways of getting to know yourself better:

  • Try a few new hobbies or interests; you could go to classes or use online tutorials to learn a new skill
  • Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings; this may help you identify what you want from your life as a single person, and it may become an inspiring record of how you recovered from your breakup
  • Reflect on your core values and use them to set positive goals for the future. For example, if you strongly believe in helping others but haven’t volunteered for a long time, you could set a goal of volunteering two hours per week for a local charity

For more ideas, see this article: How to be yourself.

10. See a therapist

It’s natural and normal to feel lonely after a breakup. But if you feel so lonely that it’s interfering with your job, studies, or everyday tasks, seeking professional help could be a good idea.

We recommend BetterHelp for online therapy, since they offer unlimited messaging and a weekly session, and is much cheaper than going to an actual therapist's office. They are also cheaper than Talkspace for what you get. You can learn more about BetterHelp here.

A good therapist can help you come to terms with the end of your relationship and help you build confidence in social situations.

11. Use social media carefully

Social media can be a great way to stay in touch with your friends and family. After a breakup, it can be a wonderful tool for easing loneliness, getting support, and arranging times to hang out with people who lift your mood.

But it’s a good idea to stay self-aware when you go online. Social media can also make you feel lonely, and research shows that cutting back can make you feel better.

For example, one study showed that limiting your social media usage to 30 minutes per day makes you feel less lonely and can also reduce symptoms of depression.[7] This may be because scrolling through posts and photos of people who seem to be happier and more social than you can make you feel isolated and left out.

12. Listen to music

Music can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness. According to one study, it can even act as a “surrogate friend” and a temporary replacement for social interaction.[8] You don’t have to choose uplifting or “happy” music; both types can help you to feel better.[8]

13. Know why you shouldn’t reach out to your ex

You might feel so lonely after your breakup that the urge to get in touch with your ex seems overwhelming. It may help to know that during a breakup, we tend to misremember the past.

Research shows that most of us find it easier to remember positive events rather than bad times. This is called the “positivity bias.”[9] You’re more likely to focus on happier times rather than the times you felt sad or angry around your partner.

When you get the urge to get in touch with your ex, remind yourself that if you message or call them, it’s unlikely to make you feel better.

14. Start dating again if you want to

You may have heard that it’s a bad idea to start dating again because you feel lonely after a breakup and that it’s best to take time to be single before finding a new partner. But this advice might not apply to everyone.

For example, some research suggests that young women who get into new relationships quickly aren’t worse off than those who wait for a while.[10] Another study showed that for some people, getting into a new relationship immediately after separating can improve life satisfaction.[11]

In summary, you might not want to move into dating again to fill a void, but be aware that getting back to dating sooner works for some. Imposing a dating ban for an arbitrary amount of time isn’t always necessary.

Common questions about overcoming loneliness after a breakup

How do I stop thinking about my ex-partner?

Regular meditation, redirecting your thoughts elsewhere, and setting aside time to think about your ex-partner may help. However, it isn’t possible to wipe all thoughts of your ex from your mind. Accept that these thoughts will come and go for the foreseeable future.

How can I stop feeling lonely in the evenings?

Try to find groups or meetups that give you an opportunity to spend time with people. If you are staying in, find an absorbing activity to distract yourself from negative thoughts or talk to a friend. A nighttime routine can help you feel more relaxed and make it easier to wind down before sleep.

Show references +

Viktor is a Counselor specialized in interpersonal communication and relationships. He manages Socialpro’s scientific review board. Follow on Twitter or read more.

Go to Comments (75)

Comments

Add a Comment
  1. Loneliness is obviously a by product of losing your best friend, she took one day to break up with me, no explanations, no chance to sit down and talk about such a horrible topic. I am over her, but I am having an extremely hard time not knowing why. It’s a void that no matter what I do, I question myself everyday and it is driving me insane. My therapist was my savior, I seen her for almost 16 months, its been 3 years since we split, wrong or not I sold absolutely everything I owned, because I associated material things to her touching or breathing on it thats how bad this break-up affected me. If I was so bad and mean to her, I would understand her actions.On that day she appeared extremely angry, very cold and and such…I am seriously baffled, I was true to her, if I made an error I confided in her, I never let a moment go by without giving her a kiss and a hug. Synopsis: I don’t know why I was dumped, maybe it was a gradual dislike for me, I don’t know!

    Reply
  2. How to make the pain stop after a break up? Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

    Reply
    • you just have to accept that you’re no longer a part a your ex’s life so you have to move on no matter how hard it is .. take care of yourself and don’t let the depression ruin your life

      Reply
      • Why dont it take a toll on our ex?

        Why do she moved so swiftly and accepted her best friend proposal and is gonna marry her after 3 months of our breakup?

    • I’m on the same page as you.

      I can ask nothing but just want to be friends.Atleast this will help us focus our time on our work.

      Reply
    • yeah, besides maintaining a good sleeping habit, thinking good thoughts and “giving it time” when does it actually stop hurting?

      Reply
  3. because I have seen many testimony around about his good work. problems of marriage and illness, so I decided to try my luck with him and now I am sharing this testimony because he has also helped my situation, all thanks to him for the restoration of peace in my home.

    Reply
  4. Greeting to everyone that is reading my comment, All Thanks goes Dr Amigo, for helping me to restore my happiness back again, i was married to my husband, and we were living fine and happy. it come to an extend that my husband that use to love and care for me, dose not even have my time again, until i found out that he was having an affair with another woman in his working place, i tried to stop him, all my effort was in-vain suddenly he divorce me and went for the woman. he live me with three of our kids, i cry all day i was in pains and sorrow, and i was looking for help. i read a comment on how this grate spell caster called Dr Amigo helped a lady to bring her husband back home after 7yrs of break up , and i also saw so many comment how Amigo help people with his love reuniting spells. so i decided to contact him and explain my problem to him, he did a love spell that make my husband to come back to me and our kids and never think about the woman in his working place. Google his name as Dr Amigo online love spell caster to review his article.

    Reply
  5. I am going outside my COMFORT ZONE!!!
    HI, IM SHARON.
    I am going into a divorce…it was just yesterday that he came and got the rest of his things…i didnt want this but he did and i am trying to respectful and just throw a straight fit…even though thats wat my chest feels as…its been us for so long andi really dont have any friends…no close ones anyway… It was hard enough at times trying to communicate with my ex husband…him and i could sit in a room not speek and still kno wat the other wants by facial expression…so i am at whoo hoo this is going to be challenging but once i grasp the flow it will fall into place…

    I got a facebook account but i really want to start all over again and just meet new people… I am looking forward to it but also need some advice on what web sites that would be good????

    Please and thank you for sharing it does help knowing someone else is hurting…

    Thanks
    Sharon

    Reply
  6. Thank you so much but find it hard to contemplate how a partner can be so cruel could go on and tell u a thousand stories but will continue this anger in silence best wishes my dear friends

    Reply
  7. I have no family, pets, kids or friends. I go out all the time but people dont want friendships. I cant get a date no matter how hard I try. Im sick of seeing articles that tell us to seek help and support… and how to make friends.
    I do everything! I am alone. NO one to talk to, hang out with. It isnt always that simple

    Reply
  8. I wish it was that easy . The only thing that is getting me by is that she cheated on me with another guy throughout our three years together . When we got back from Jamaica at the beginning of August , the next week she came home and flipped out on me for no reason and said I want you out . Right there I knew that she was in another relationship already . I’m wishing bad karma on her cause the crap she put me threw . She is already in a full blown relationship with this new guy . She has two kids and she is even confusing them , one guy leaves another one comes into the picture . Women like that have no morals at all .

    Reply
  9. My girlfriend broke up with me unexpectedly yesterday which was our 1 year anniversary. I’m hurting so badly right now. Everything was fine yesterday morning when I picked her up but later in the day she had an anxiety attack and said she needed to go home. When I dropped her off, she said she wasn’t feeling well and needed to go to bed and she would call me later. She ended up breaking up by text instead of calling. The thing that hurts the most is she said not to contact her ever again and she would call the authorities if I harassed her. I have never been mean or aggressive to her so I’m confused as to why she would say that. I’m shocked at the way she handled this. There were no issues between us leading up to this.

    Reply
  10. Ashley – thanks for your very practical article. I realized some time ago that I am putting up with unhappiness because I really really am scared of loneliness. I literally have a phobia for loneliness. I need to face it and confront it. And your article helps with some practical ideas

    Reply
    • You are so wise to decide to face it and confront your fears, Ashley. I faced a lot of loneliness during my husband’s deployments and after he came back home and we had difficulty reconnecting. Volunteering was the best way to connect and make friends in the new town that I lived in. If you find something that you care about and volunteer you will make friends that have similar interests and values and the friendships evolve naturally. It also helps by allowing you to get away from your own thoughts while assisting others. I hope things begin to look up.

      Reply
  11. I was meant to get married last month and called it of a week before to my partner of 8 years. He has addiction problems. Since I have called it of his addiction is out of control, sometimes fights for me, sometimes doesn’t. Lies to me about where he is and even found messages to another girl he met on a night out while he was meant to be fighting for me. We had the most amazing 8 years together and I believe that he loves me and wants to make it work but he still lies to me. I truly love this man but how could we ever be back together after all of this, my family obviously don’t think I should be with him after all of this and I can’t see a future where I could truly forgive him or trust him again but how can I just stop talking and seeing someone I love and was going to marry and still want to be with. My head knows its not right but my heart wants it so bad. Im scared to be by myself and lonely, I enjoyed his company so much, we were truly best friends. Everythink I wanted in life I had with him. Now I have to start all over again. I can’t let go!

    Reply
  12. She left after 12 years. Almost an years has passed since. Lot of up and downs, lot of things happened, which confused me and at today I still haven’t started accepting this. I miss her every day. She was my friend, my lover and my life. I did many mistakes but all in good faith and I never denied, I’m always up to learn and grow.

    I guess she was tired, I need to accept the fact that she is not coming back. She is fine without me.

    Now, what scares me the most is being alone. I’m fine on my own, but I don’t want to live a life alone. I want to share it with someone build something for/with someone else and leave a legacy.

    However, I never was interested in social evenings, small talk etc… And I can’t fake being ok with that just because I need to find someone.

    I think I still need time on my own, and focus on my own happiness and spoil me a bit. Isn’t the life I wanted, I wanted to give to someone rather than focus on myself, but I guess is the first step to come to peace with this situation and be ready to welcome someone else in my life.

    I like meaningful things, I was wondering if anyone can advice on how I can match the things I like with being helpful for other. Volunteering?

    Reply
    • What I lack at the moment is motivation. Anything I think of that I can do to unlock this situation seems pointless, and I end up doing nothing

      Reply
    • I have the exact same scenario.. 7 years and now my team is shattered. I understood I had my flaws as she did as well but the complete disregard in making sacrifices and seeing past the action too the intent was just not an option for her. Last few months of the relationship was all me trying to control or make her feel guilty. Realistically I think she found herself when she had the stability and with that she was able to let go of myself through pointless assumptions..

      It really hits me when she claims to have loved me and that it was my fault this and my fault that, when all I ever intended was to keep my team together and happy. One way relationships never work, I was a fool to think my dissatisfaction with not being able to express myself would shine through. It’s hard

      Reply
  13. Loved reading the comments three weeks my partner asked me to move out today I miss her so much we got on amazing was never any arguements . I was stressed way moving away from my hometown I moved in way my patner I began stressing no eating sleeping even took a overdose .my partner suffers arthritis and I guess it took its toll in the end I am to blame few family nights out I went cold never spoke to anyone my partner was upset it hurts breakups I have not heard from her she’s blocked me on Facebook and by phone the minute I left her house I want her to contact talk but nothing

    Reply
  14. I am in a different situation. I was developing a friendship with someone and then I asked him on a date. We went on the date and at the end of the night he asked me on a second date. The day of the second date arrived and I received a text from him saying he didnt think it was appropriate for us to go out again (long story there…we used to work together). I tried contacting him and he finally called me. He said something that caught me off guard…He implied we couldn’t even be friends. The conversation ended with him saying he just needed time.
    I waited and gave him time…A month passed by and I text him again…and then again. And then I finally called him only to find it went straight to voicemail, which means he had blocked me.
    We went from getting to know each other, going on a date, HE asked me on the second date…and then dumped and blocked me with in a matter of days.
    By the way, we didn’t talk between the first date and second date other than when he told me which day he was free.
    I am crushed. I don’t know what happened. I feel so broken. If I had known this would have happened I would have never asked him out in the first place. I enjoyed him as a person. I wanted to be in his life and wanted him in mine, no matter what label we put on it. I want him back as my friend. I am devastated.

    Reply
  15. I’ve been going through a breakup after being in a 7-year relationship with someone. We broke up March 15th, 2019. The first thing I did was to implement a 30 day no contact rule. I ended up starting it over, I think 4 different times, but I am now 5 days away from meeting that goal. When you have things to say, and patience is not one of your virtues, it’s very hard not to reach out to that person. Especially in this digital world when communication is right at our fingertips. We had hit bumps in the road previously. August of 2018 there was a 3 week period, but we were at least communicating. This time is different. And because it’s different,I’ve needed closure, and he has refused to give it to me. I begged. I pleaded. I just wanted him to tell me it was over for good this time. And he has remained silent for 11 weeks. I decided that if after 7 years, he didn’t feel he at least owed me the courtesy of a response, I would make the decision that was right for me. Did I want to wait this out? Or did I want to go ahead and give myself closure and move on?

    If I’m being honest with everyone, and myself, I still don’t know the answer. What I do know is that for right now, I have to worry about me. I have to heal. And it’s not an easy thing to do.

    My coping mechanism has been to journal. I’ve done this in the form of a letter to him, every day since the break up. Of course he will never be privy to any of the letters. I wrte how I was feeling that day. Whether or not I cried. What I thought about that day. What the weather was like. What I ate. What I did. I have ranted like a crazy woman, I have spilled every feeling and every thought that I’ve ever had. I’ve told him I loved him, I’ve told him I hate him. I just write whatever I’m feeling at the moment.

    It’s been an amazing way for me to purge the emotions.

    It’s no fun being involuntarily strapped into that emotional rollercoaster… no matter how long you’re on the ride, the the ups and downs never become familiar.

    There are days that I get so angry that it takes every ounce of my being to refrain from sending him a text message. There are days that I am so heartbroken, I am paralyzed. I can’t even get out of bed. There are days that I get up and I feel just fine. Those however, are few and far between.

    The loneliness is overwhelming. There is a hole in my life that’s the size of an ocean. I don’t know how to fill it. I don’t really have close friends so I’m alone A LOT. My weekends are so bleake and empty, it’s painful.

    It doesn’t help that I broke my left foot three weeks after the break-up so getting out and even doing anything alone, is nearly impossible. It’s compounded the misery.

    Did I mention I cry? A lot?

    I’m just trying to take this day by day and I’m really looking forward to going back at the end of my complete 30 days of no contact, and reading what I’ve written.

    When the foot is healed and I can get around, I’ve already decided I’m going to take the first step by joining a book club. I also love to read in addition to writing. I’m not sure how that’s going to go for me, but I believe it’s a step in the right direction.

    My email is [email protected]. I’m totally open to a few new “pen pals”.

    And to everyone out there that has posted, and even those who haven’t, know you are not alone. I hope everyone finds something in their world to bring them some comfort on a daily basis.

    Reply
    • It doesn’t say how long ago you wrote this. Im going through this pain too. Im too nervous to email someone I don’t know, but I wish you (and others like us) happiness and new love.

      Reply
  16. Boyfriend and I are breaking up after a year and a half. We both thought and still think we are each other’s soul mates. But we have been in a toxic relationship. He won’t quit seeing his ex and has cheated multiple times through the relationship. We were taking some space and he saw her again after not talking since last summer. Things were improving and I thought she was out of the picture, but she found his new number somehow and coincidentally texted him while we were taking space. Really awful timing. I have been recovering from a brain injury and it got to be too much for him which was the reason for space. Now my life is crashing down and we work together and run the company HE founded. Looking like I need a new job now too… He wants us both to take space and become healthy again and see what happens. I think we should cut the cord and the pain once and for all. It has been absolute hell being with someone still in love with their ex 🙁 Not to mention my ex did the same, which totals to about 6 years of this. Can’t take the pain anymore… Any advice helps, it takes a really strong person to leave the person they love, I am not that strong

    Reply
    • Im going through heartbreak and work with my ex also… it makes things so much worse that this whole other ascept of your life is alsonmade painful and the fact tha getting a bew job adds to the dramatic change.. im going through similar pain as you in that sense. How are you doing now ? [email protected] is my email or respond here. Idk how long its been for you or if your better at all. Even if your not better you can talk to me

      Reply
    • Hello Nicole. I don’t think you are weak at all, bearing such pain all through itself tells how resilient you are.
      Not what we want happens all the time, if a person genuinely loves you he will make a serious effort to get back into your life how hard the situation might be, if that’s not the case then you should understand that he was never yours and was just finding an escape in you. Love is freedom, don’t chain it, let it go when it wants to. It’s only our expectations which hurt us. Being lonely is better than being with a wrong guy.

      Reply
  17. My bf broke up with me 3months ago … i was so broken over him … we met on 2017 been friends for almost 6months and then we started dating after 2months of dating he ignored and left me … then he came back after two months… we got back again … he ignored me again … then again after 5months … broke up again .. and again after four months awe got back again … he’s always the one who comes back then ignore and left me off and on … but still i would take him back … he would date other girls too when we broke up … and now too i know he’s with another girl and seem to be happy …it makes me sad … i felt lonely .. i k ow that he hurt me and doesnt love me but i just idk …. i can’t get over him.. just like he did

    Reply
  18. Well if there is one person in this world that taught he wasn’t going to make it well that was me my girlfriend left me about a year ago I lost 37 pound in about 4 month I was 207lbs I end up 170 lbs it was so hard on me but I kept my distance cause I knew she wanted out the only way I could cope with it was doing volunteer work at the hospital and the homeless shelter it kept my mind off the relationship and I was reading every night how to fix a broken heart and how to be happy again after a break up the secret is to never give up and never try to pretend or think it can be fix cause if its ment to be you’ll connect again if you don’t then your better off without her or him in the picture myself I had to completely block her from facebook the only way I could move on with time I may unblock her will see today I am doing way better I date women nothing serious someday I may meet the right one but im in no hurry I go day by day just keep your head high there is allways a cover for a pot that fit right on just wait and never take the first pumkin that come around we all learn from a broken heart I hope it can help someone out there ……..

    Reply
  19. My girlfriend of three years ended things. We were honestly the perfect couple apart from one aspect of our relationship: sex, which has been a problem since the very start. We have had so many different problems in bed that our confidence and desire eventually went, until it became too much. It has been more of a problem for my girlfriend because I (stupidly) push things like that to the back of my mind…
    But I am honestly heartbroken now. As I said, we were such an affectionate, loving couple and we were best friends who spent so much time together. I don’t know what to do…I have no friends, and I have to study for my upcoming postgraduate exams. We both want to still be in each other’s lives. However, I feel as if I want this more and I feel helpless. My family keep telling me that “time will heal”, “I will find another girl”, etc. But I just want her. How am I supposed to get over her when we invested so much in each other and we broke up over something we could have fixed by talking to a professional or something…I love her so much and thought she was the one.

    Reply
    • Oh I feel for you. Being rejected by the person you love is the hardest thing imaginable. Especially if you have spent this time together. It’s easy to slip into the panic mode when we are losing something/someone so precious to us.

      Taking time to reflect on what you would have actually done differently if you had a chance may help you to see the situation from another perspective. Time and good communication is a paramount thing in any relationship.

      It seems people often do not talk to each other about those seemingly little but essentially crucial things that matter the most and only realise when it’s “too late”.

      If you are still on talking terms, I would think very carefully about what changes you think you could make and what changes you could actually make if you had another chance.
      Sit down together and tell her how you feel, without any distraction, but be constructive.
      Make sure it all does not sound like a promise, but that you are actually committed to making changes in your life. (After all, what is there to loose?) If there is still hope, she will appreciate this and hopefully re-evaluate the situation.

      Try to be kind to yourself, whatever you do.
      I really hope it works out.

      Reply
    • I feel you. My girfriend broke up with over the exact same reason 3 weeks ago. I am heartbroken, that she gave up while i wanted to fix it. It is so difficult that you could over look her faults and love her inspite of them, while she could not do the same. Worse, she broke up as soon as i returned from a work trip. Heart broken , alone , while she has go on with her life. Something over problems that could be fixed with just talking or stressing its importance.

      Reply
    • I don’t know how long ago you wrote this but I’ve just been dumped by my boyfriend and I also thought that we were perfect for each other, he had sexual problems as well, but reading your message has made me continue to realise that we weren’t perfect for each other. He didn’t want to work through the small problem that split us up in the end. How would he have dealt with bigger problems. I get sad because I miss his company but he chose to hurt me when we could have fixed things. He didn’t love me enough sadly and it hurts but I want to with someone who loves me for me and will work through all the problems with me as a team.
      Like the article says, I shouldn’t take away the good memories BUT I’m starting to accept that it wasn’t meant to be. That hurts especially as I’m in my 30s and I want to get married and have children so as soon as I’m ready I’ll start dating again. I just wanted to say that I totally get what you’re going through but those people weren’t right for us. They need and they will eventually get out of our emotions and we will both be able to find someone who truly loves us. I have to take a deep breath every morning I wake up without a tex from him but he chose to not make our relationship work and I can torture myself or get through this initial pain and continue in my journey to find a loving partner, which I really want so I can’t let one bad relationship stop me from reaching my goal. Good luck to all of us.

      Reply
      • Hi There, This last week I have been going through this same exact situation – Except I was the ‘Dumper’. What was initially a ‘small problem’ between myself and my gf turned the relationship into a spiralling mess – I feel this has a lot to do with the fact I suffer from anxiety (so I was constantly overthinking our argument), which makes me gutted as if I didn’t then potentially the outcome of us trying to fight to resolve things may have been a lot different. As you mentioned in your comment, like you, we always tried to combat things/life as a team.

        I’m unsure when you made your comment, but I wanted to comment to let you know that your ex probably cares for you and your situation more than you know. Currently, I am in the stage where things are still fresh, so I know that for a fact. The thought that I have hurt someone that I cared greatly for is what is destroying me (I know that is selfish as I am the cause of this, but hey, it can be difficult on both sides). I finished the relationship after an argument (heat of the moment), regretted it, tried to save it by going to see her the other night and talk things through – but again my anxiety got the better of me. I miss her and thought we had something , unsure whether to keep fighting, as we spoke again on the phone after our chat and agreed to ‘draw a line’ under everything. This is why I am commenting as I wanted to ask someone whos situation is very similar (if not the same); if your ex ever got back in touch to try again would you try to fix things? or are things better left to fate (if it’s meant to be, it will be)?

    • Time heal everything just don’t give up buddy You’ll make it true myself I still struggle a bit but I am way way better just tell yourself you didn’t lose a relationship you gain a freedom Enjoy your free time for the moment and you gonna come out of it very strong believe me good luck

      Reply
  20. Broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I love him but I know he’s not good for me. Before him i was married for 10 years. I don’t know how to be single. Im going a little crazy, zipping through hobbies just trying to keep busy, adopted a dog (nothing to do with your article, did that bit of crazy on my own lol), but Im finding myself bored and lonely still and constantly thinking about him.

    Reply
    • Thanks for sharing Jen <3

      Have you tried focusing your time and energy on building new relationships instead of keeping yourself occupied? Meeting new friends through hobbies, spending more time with existing friends, maybe even dating.

      Or do something that feels more meaningful to you than just a "hobby to keep busy". He was a big part of your identity for 3 years, so it's gonna take time. Wish you all the best!

      Reply
    • I am currently in a toxic relationship and plan to break up and leave in a month. I haven’t told him yet; I’m not sure how to. We have broken up 2 times before but this relationship is so crazy that I’m scared of how he’ll react. This is my first serious relationship and I’m 21 years old in college. I have no family or friends either so idk how to actually do it without turning back? How can I get through this?

      I thought he was the one at first too but I’ve seen so many sides to him. More bad than good. I’m not perfect either but I’ve worked through the things he wanted me to fix but he refuses to stick with his changes. They are temporary for a few weeks then things go back to the way they were… Even though I always force myself to see and accept the good. I’m getting tired of it. I’m so young and haven’t experienced the great things in life to be tied to this aggressive rollercoaster.

      Reply
  21. I just broke up with my partner.after 4year relationship. Week after he found a another woman and start dating her. It’s make my heart break more. I have done so much to him.when he is in depression I done everything and stand beside him.
    Do men feel the breakup..
    I really don’t want a another person after him..
    Can men move on that quickly.

    Reply
    • Vick, I am sorry to hear that it is true that some people don’t feel the break up. That is not just men I was in a 3 year relationship with my fiancee when she ended it and 2 weeks later she found someone else and I am still left picking up the pieces. Don’t give up hope that you won’t find someone you deserve.

      Reply
  22. Just got dumped for good yesterday. I feel so empty and alone. This is the first time in my life I have not had a real loved one. My mom passed three years ago. At age 50 it has become clear that there seems to be no sense of permanence in anything. Relationships all dissolve; people leave; die. Even in ongoing relationships there is always the nagging thought “I wonder how all this will end…” I have a birthday next weekend. It will be my first ever alone. I’m thankful for all the nice times in relationships in the past–family, friends, girlfriends, a wife. I feel so broken and confident that I am not good enough for anything or anybody.

    Reply
    • Hi Todd. So sorry to hear that. I just wanted to say that you are good enough as you are even if everything feels bad right now. It will get better.

      Reply
      • I am a medical student. I broke up with my bf of 2 yr of Relationship. Though it was my decision but i had no choice left becoz there were many misunderstanding which just don’t have any solution. And now though I have friends but he was just like a habit in my daily routine and so i am feeling very much lonely can’t even study properly plz suggest me what can I do!

      • Time will heal everything dear just focus on what’s your priority now. Ask yourself a question will it matter me after like 5 years? Staying with a wrong guy or staying single what’s better? Cause you’re a medical student you can work on your loneliness too. Just don’t suppress your emotions, let it come out, you will feel relaxed.

      • I understand where your coming from. You need to find a release of stress and focus on school. It isn’t going to be easy no matter how long the relationship was or whatever your thinking by reading other comments. You need to tell yourself that this is an important part of growing as a person and you have amazing things waiting for you when school is done!

        You got this!

    • I am so sorry to hear all of this, I can’t imagine what you are going through. But just know that you ARE good enough. Someone told me a good quote yesterday that goes something like “you could be the juiciest, sweetest peach but some people just don’t like peaches”. This is something that I have been trying to remind myself as well. But please do not let someone leaving you make you feel less than. And it is true, all of this is temporal, here and then gone like a vapor, but that just gives you all the more reason to soak it up while you can and embrace the relationships that you come across because you don’t want to look back at all you missed out on due to the fear of inevitably loosing someone.

      Reply
    • I feel for you Todd. My husband just asked for a divorce. I thought we were to be together forever. He was my best friend. We had so much fun together and he was someone that truly understood and accepted me. Then, a few years ago, he became an alcoholic. I stayed by his side through this incredibly difficult time. He finally got sober and I was so happy and thankful that we could finally restore what we had. However, it never happened. He spent all of his time at AA and became very close with men and women there. He drifted apart from me and now doesn’t feel we are right for each other. He feels I don’t know and live the AA program like he and his friends at the AA club do. He is no longer accepting of me. I am 48 years old. This is my second failed marriage. I am so heartbroken and lonely. I also have that feeling of not being good enough and that I won’t be able to find anyone that will understand me and accept me.

      Reply
  23. My worry is how old is too old to meet someone else after a break up. I live in a village that has lots of single older women, which break up will be my last? It’s been 9 weeks and despite our relationship having been awful still miss my ex.

    Reply
  24. After three and a half years my boyfriend and I broke up because he couldn’t move forward with our relationship. It destroyed me when it initially happened. It’s been a year and a half and he’s seeing someone now but I still miss him. I feel it worse at night. All of the things in your article have helped me over the past year. I’ve made close friends with a lot of co workers and attended a bunch of parties at work. I’ve reconnected with some old friends in new ways. I’ve spent a lot more time with my dog and family. I’ve found things to fill my time and peak my interest like traveling all over the world. Nights are still hard though and I can’t help wishing he were here with me. It still breaks my heart to think about him and what we had so I try to avoid those thoughts. I gave him everything and I couldn’t have done more for him but it wasn’t enough in th end and that kills me. When we were still talking, he constantly said I am the best person he knows and all he wants is my happiness but the sad fact of it all, is that without him I don’t have true happiness. He took that from me in a way I haven’t been able to find again with anyone else. Maybe I will. I’m hopeful I will find someone to love again and who can love me the way I deserve.

    Reply
    • So sorry to hear that Maria, it sounds really tough. I know you will eventually find someone else because you sound like a lovely human being with lots of love to give. And don’t forget to give yourself some of that love too.

      Reply
  25. I just went through a breakup with someone that I was with for 2 and a half years. I am only 26, and I currently going through a quarter-life crisis realizing and asking the questions of “Who am I?” and “Is this the right direction for me?” and “Am I happy?” I couldn’t answer any of those clearly when I was with him, and I knew that was something was wrong. I know that I still love him as a person, but I realized that this direction with him was not the right one because everything was manufactured, and I had a hard time being myself. Once you haven’t been yourself for a while, your true self eventually comes out. I had such a hard time with the breakup on my side as well, and I have had a lot of self-doubt, but I cannot stress enough that the gut is always right. I am on a strenuous road of figuring out who I am, and what I want. I know it is hard out there because I feel weird doing things on my own already. I am thinking of all the people that are on the same boat as me, and I am trying my hardest to figure out who I am. Wishing everyone that is in the same boat my best wishes!

    Reply
  26. The period after a breakup can seem quite lonely, although see it as a blank slate, a new start. After a long marriage then two hasty relationships, I’e realized I have jumped from relationship to relationship for the last 2 decades. Now it’s time to get to know myself? What do I like, what do I want to do. This has been impossible with the influence of a mate and getting stuck in patterns that just aren’t healthy. I think it goes back to looking for outside stuff (people, things, etc) to make me happy on the inside… So it’s a slow process I suppose to find ones self. To really sit in the discomfort of not knowing what to do, what makes me happy, what is my passion. So here I sit, waiting for answers. The one thing I am sure of is it’s better to be in my own, then to be in an unhappy relationship day-after-day, week -after-week, month after month. I have no answers except that any emotional relationship now would be repeating unhealthy patterns that have continued to plague me. So I take it one day at a time until some answers come. I must resist contacting old girlfriends or even playing the FB game of back and forth, only really looking for attention from someone else. The price is too high! The unhappiness is not worth the “company” of a partner or spouse, just because it’s confortable and fills your days/nights. So I keep striving every day to enjoy my life, without having a relationship to comfort me.

    Reply
    • Evan
      Sounds like you know yourself pretty well and the words you speak ring loud and clear as a viable path I should take with my recent divorce and rebound relationship of 6 years that was so one-sided and unhealthy . It sounds that you and I both have been thru similar experiences . Although I do miss her company, I have to somehow let go . And I’m hoping the things I learn through David will gain me the tools I need to meet a worthy partner in the near future, with an emphasis on ‘near’ since my age of 56 is playing a bit of a mental hurdle as well !. Thanks for sharing

      Reply
  27. I had my long distance relationship for almost 4 years now, Our relationship was okay and good, but for some reasons I couldn’t understand My ex boyfriend broke up with me for almost 2years, and it made me sad, frustrated, devastated having mix emotions to face the reality that he doesn’t want to work it out anymore.

    Reply
  28. Alot of advice seems alittle unrealistic, you can’t just find friends who will be genuine so fast, especially if they dont know you well, another point is yes talking about it constantly to people who you socialise with might help you be distracted, but unless your heart stops loving that person, no matter what social event or meeting you have is going to help you move on and maybe reconnect with someone else, break ups are horrible, espcially when its mutual, and both parties didnt do anything wrong, your left confused and shaken, you feel torn and alone, you have lost a connection with someone who genuinely cared and loved you,.

    Reply
    • That’s exactly what happened to me, my ex called it a day with no reason?? We never fell out and I was always supportive to her ( maybe that’s where I went wrong?) I’m still heart broken with constant memories in my head of her, her beauty her fun loving personality. She has met someone else now and that has only increased my heartache and longing for her. Ive read so many tips and advice on the net but if I’m honest nothing has helped so far. It may just be that time will heal my broken heart or maybe it won’t, who knows, all I know is at the moment it’s a case worse than physical pain and there’s no cure.

      Reply
      • Steve
        I feel for you becoz I know that feeling all too well of being shut out of a relationship unexpectedly without reason . As if the shock alone isn’t ban enough , we then find ourselves paralyzed as to how or why this could have happened . The measure of pain from this can be unbearable . My break up nearly sent me over the edge becoz I needed answers and I couldn’t move on not knowing how things turned so quickly … I needed to know what I had missed or what I must have done so badly to deserve such stab in my heart . As humans we naturally strive for answers so we can better ourselves and I think it should be an unspoken law that as humans , especially those of us experiencing a loving relationship, we should have the respect and descentcy to give us closure or something in the way of a farewell then to just pack up and leave without warning , do u agree?
        GL Steve and thanks so much for sharing

    • Anonymous – This sounds soooo true!
      I have been trying to keep busy:
      work, work outside work, bought a guitar and learned how to play it, gym, babysitting my nieces and nephews, trying to keep busy with friends, writing a diary to keep myself sane, but…
      The pain is just unbearable and I feel like I am making everyone around me miserable, just don’t know how to go on any more. There is only so many rejections one can take, there is only so many times you can pick yourself up and make light-hearted jokes out of bad situations. I am so exhausted by everything right now. I am exhausted having to explain myself to people all the time too. It’s all so very painful.
      Truly, I don’t know what to do with myself and how to “be” any more.

      Reply
  29. This is great advice, thanks so much for sharing. So many people struggle after a break up. They need to reconnect with themselves, don’t you think? I think that is the key. Cheers, Louise

    Reply

Leave a Comment