How do you enter a group conversation or join the ongoing conversation between others? On one hand you’re not supposed to interrupt people, but on the other hand, someone else always seems to start talking before you get the chance to say anything.
In this article, I give you 4 powerful techniques you can use to enter and be part of an ongoing conversation without being rude.
1. To join a group conversation, use this subconscious signaling first
A few days ago, a friend invited me to a mingle his company arranged.
I spoke to one girl there who was really fun and interesting.
If I had left the mingle at that point, I would have described her as socially savvy.
But later, in a group conversation, she just couldn’t get in despite repeatedly trying to say something.
Well, the rules behind 1 on 1’s and group conversations are different.
The nature of group conversations mean that there will almost always be someone who starts talking just when you are about to
In group conversations, you’re competing for attention from several others. You need a different skill set from 1 on 1 conversations to get people’s attention (without coming off as attention seeking!)
Here’s an example.
Even if only 1 in 5 of the population are bad at paying attention to others, a group of 5 will on average include someone saying something just before you are about to chime in.
The girl at the mingle waited for her “turn”. But you can’t wait for others to stop talking before you signal that you want “in”.
At the same time, you can’t blatantly interrupt people.
We want to signal without interrupting
Here’s my trick that works surprisingly well: At the very moment someone’s finished talking and I want to join the conversation, I breathe in quickly (like you do before you’re about to say something) and make a gesture with my hand.
Look at this screenshot from a dinner we recorded for one of our courses. When I breathe in, the people around me subconsciously register that I’m about to start talking. My hand gesture triggers people’s motion sensing, and everyone’s eyes are drawn towards me. The hand motion has the advantage of working even in loud environments.
By simply breathing in through my mouth and raising my hand, everyone refocuses their attention from the guy in red to me.
2. To join the ongoing conversation, up your energy.
When a lot of people meet the energy level in the room tends to be higher, The more high energy, the more it’s about entertainment and having fun, and less about getting to know people in depth.
The girl was still in the “1 on 1 mode”, waiting too long before talking.
It means that it’s OK if you happen to cut someone off a bit too soon. To be clear, you don’t want to interrupt people, but you want to cut the corners a bit tighter than in 1 on 1’s.
There’s a third big difference we need understand to be able to join in on an ongoing conversation:
3. The way you listen, not how much you talk, decides if people see you as part of the conversation
In one on one’s, each person usually talks around 50% of the time. However, in a group conversation of 3, each person will only be able to talk 33% of the time. In a conversation of 10, only 10% of the time and so on.
This means that the more people in the group, the more time you spend listening. This is natural.
Therefore, we need to step up our listening game.
I noticed how the girl’s gaze wandered off after a while. That’s natural to do if you can’t get into the conversation, but it created the feeling that she wasn’t part of the group. I probably spent 90% of the time just listening to others in that group. But I kept eye contact, nodded and reacted to what was being said. That way, it felt like I was part of the conversation the whole time. Therefore, people who talked directed a lot of their attention towards me.
As long as you are involved in what is being said and show it with your body language, people will see you as part of the conversation even if you actually don’t say much.
4. Don’t try to lead group conversations
Socially successful people should always take the lead, right?
Not quite. People who try to push their own agenda in conversations and talk about what they think is interesting instead of picking up on what others like talking about tend to be annoying.
When you’re talking to someone 1 on 1, it’s just the two of you creating the conversation together. You can try taking it in a new direction to see if the other person is following, and that’s a great way to progress and get to know each other.
This isn’t how joining ongoing conversation works.
Here, we need to follow in on the topic instead of leaving it. (This is why it’s important to truly listen, like I talked about in the previous tip.)
Imagine you’re in a group conversation deeply emerged in, say, a horror story about backpacking in Thailand. Here, you don’t want to break in by starting to talk about your delightful vacation in Hawaii. Your Hawaii experience might be a great topic for later, but when you’re just about to join a conversation, you want to be close to the current subject and its emotion.
In this example, Hawaii is close enough to the subject, but the emotion of it doesn’t match up at all (horror story vs having a great time).
When entering group conversations, don’t depart from the current subject. If I wanted to join that conversation about the backpacking horrors in Thailand, I would start off by showing interest in the topic:
- How many nights did you have to sleep under that banana leaf? or
- How long was it before you could treat your spider bite? or
- Didn’t it hurt to amputate your leg?
Well, you get the point.
Do you have any horror stories about joining a group conversation? Or do you have any good experiences or tips you want to share about it? I’m excited to hear about it in the comments!