Yesterday I spent the afternoon playing board games with some friends. I’ve met many truly kind people as I’ve grown my social circle here in NYC.
[Is someone making fun of you or treating you like a doormat? Then read this guide about how to deal with that.]
However, there’s this dangerous misconception about what being kind really means.
The problem with the word “kind” is that it’s something we call someone who isn’t brave.
If someone’s afraid of conflict and doesn’t stand up for themselves when they should, we say that the person is “too kind”. What we really mean is that the person is a coward. But that sounds too harsh to say, so we say kind.
True kindness, however, is something else. True kindness is doing what you truly believe is the best for everyone.
True kindness is to confront people when we need to if we think it’s for everyone’s best. It’s not about trying to do what’s the least confrontational or awkward. And it’s often possible to be both brutally honest AND kind, like we talk about in this article about dealing with conflicts and dominating people (technique number 7).
Here’s what we can do to go from “too kind” to truly kind:
- Be honest to those you care for, even when it’s hard
- Be generous with favors and gifts to friends who you know appreciate it
- (This is not the same as trying to be generous to people who don’t appreciate it)
- Whenever your friends have success in life, let them know that you are happy for them
- To be happy for others, it’s also essential to take care of yourself, your needs, and your dreams. It’s hard being happy for others when we are not happy about ourselves. So we also need to be “selfish” to be kind
- If you appreciate something someone does, let them know about it!
The psychologist John Dewey said this the best already two centuries ago:
“Be hearty in your approbation and be lavish in your praise.”
(This quote was a few decades later made popular by Dale Carnegie in the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”)
What is an act of kindness you can do today? Let me know in the comments!
How can we make this post better?
Free training: Conversation skills for overthinkers
- Use "conversational threading" to avoid awkward silence
- Learn a proven technique to get past empty small talk
- Improve socially without doing weird out-of-your-comfort-zone stunts.
- Instantly beat self-consciousness with the "OFC-method"
- See how you can go "from boring to bonding" in less than 7 words.