21 ways to be more likable & what sabotages your likability

In this guide, we’ll talk about how to be a more likable and friendly person. Being likable is an interesting challenge, in that trying to get people to like you can come off as needy or even manipulative. In this guide, we’ll go through how to be likable in a real and authentic way.

1. Dare to be warm and friendly right away

It’s natural to be a bit reserved when you meet a stranger – we don’t know anything about them or how to best approach them. However, being reserved can make you look aloof or snobby, even if it’s not your intention. If you dare to be warm, easy-going, and friendly right off the bat, you’ll become more likable.[1][2]

When you are introduced, you want to make sure your body language is positive and open. To create a connection, here’s how to have a more warm and friendly demeanor:

  • Smile
  • Make eye contact
  • Shake their hand firmly and say, “Hi, my name’s Carrie. Nice to meet you, Sarah.”
  • Ask them a few questions about how they are or where they’re from to signal that you’re up for talking.

Read more here on how to be approachable.

2. Smile, but not all the time

“Smile more” is standard advice, but smiling too often can make you seem nervous.[3] Make it a habit to smile when:

  1. You greet someone
  2. When someone says something funny
  3. When you say goodbye

At other times, simply relax your face and avoid frowning. Focus on what people talk about so that you can react to it authentically (rather than forcing a constant smile).

3. Memorize people’s names and use them

When someone tells you their name, memorize it by associating it with someone else you know with that name or a word association.

If someone says, “Hi, I’m Emily,” think about someone you know with that name and imagine them standing together. That creates a visual memory that’s easier for your brain to retrieve than a new name.

Use their name when you say hi, bye, or start talking to them. Don’t over-use it, once or twice when you meet is good.

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4. Ask open-ended questions

When you meet someone, ask them questions that gently probe who they are. Things like, “Where do you work?” “How long have you been with the company?” “Do you live on campus or off?” Doing this will elicit more than a yes/no answer.

Listen attentively and show that you’re interested by asking follow-up questions. Then, share things about yourself as you go along, related to what they’ve told you. Scientists call this a back-and-forth conversation, which has shown to make people bond faster.[4]

5. Listen actively

A key trait of likable people is active listening.

Actively listening means communicating with the person in several ways.

  • You’re repeating what you’ve heard.
  • You’re nodding your head and responding positively to what they’ve said.
  • You’re asking follow-up questions to find out more.

It makes the person you’re talking to feel heard and important.

6. Be generous with compliments

If someone did something you like, tell them. But remember, only compliment the appearance of people you know well. Try to make your praise specific, and avoid downplaying yourself when you do it.

In other words, say, “I think that you did an excellent job negotiating because you were able to make both parties happy.” Rather than “You’re so good at negotiating, I would never be able to do that.”

7. Focus on your similarities rather than differences

Let mutual interests and beliefs rather than disagreements, be the core of your friendship. It’s fine to disagree when necessary, just know that it won’t help you bond.

8. Think about what’s interesting to the other person

Don’t just talk about the things that you like. Think about what the other person has mentioned. Find out what you have in common and build your conversations and relationship around that.

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9. Monitor how much space you take up in conversations

When you talk to someone, make sure that you talk roughly half the time and spend the other half listening. In a group of three, you want to talk around one-third of the time, and so on. Dominating conversations or saying very little makes interacting with you less enjoyable.

10. Show that you are genuine and sincere

Likable people like themselves. They’re comfortable in their skin, and because they’re centered, it’s easy for them to like others. They show that by being truly genuine when you meet them. There’s no fakeness or artificiality.

Pay attention to when you are “performing” – or trying too hard. It could be making jokes to get laughs, trying to come off as smart, or sneaking in something about your impressive job or expensive outfit. When you do these things, ask yourself how you would have acted if you didn’t care about their approval. That’s when you are completely authentic.

Ironically, when you don’t care about others’ approval, it shines through and makes you more likable and charming.

11. Be calm and emotionally stable when interacting with people

People will trust you when you are emotionally stable and consistent. This is because you aren’t prone to outbursts or crumbling under pressure. When you say it, you mean it, and your body language supports that.

What does this look like in real life? I had a boss once who never raised his voice. He got mad at times, but in those times, he was more focused and said fewer words. What he did say was important, though. When he gave instructions, I listened. He might have been mad, but he wasn’t mad at me. I followed through on what he needed because I trusted his judgment.

12. Only say that you will do something if you know that you will

It’s better to under-sell and overdeliver than doing the opposite. Only say that you will do something when you know that you can deliver. Following through on your promises creates trust.

If you get invited to a party, it’s better to say, “I don’t know if I’ll be able to join, but if I do, I’ll let you know.” Rather than saying that you’ll go and then not show up.

13. Reserve judgment and listen to learn

When we’re younger, we’re trying to figure out the world and mainly, finding out who’s a friend and who’s a foe. It can lead to snap judgments and wrongly discounting others because we jump to conclusions without getting the whole story.

Likable people try first to understand where someone is coming from to understand their point better. When someone’s actions confuse you, try to understand what has happened in their life that led to their decision. This thought exercise helps us be more empathetic.

14. Empathize with the person, even if you don’t agree with them

When you are talking to someone, listen to learn rather than to insert your opinion. Doing this shows that you think what they’re saying is meaningful.

So regardless of whether you agree with the person’s opinion or not, give them the space to express their thoughts and feelings. When you do, you are validating them, and that’s rare to find.

Here’s an example: If you’re discussing politics with someone, the intuitive thing to do is to convince them of your views. However, this only causes arguments and no one changes their position. Instead, try to understand why that person has those views. Doing this will make them more interested in hearing your thoughts, and then you both broaden your understanding.

15. Combine being humble and confident

Being likable means being confident in yourself and humble. You don’t need to advertise your achievements, but by the same token, you won’t discount or hide them if they are relevant to point out.

Everyone experiences failure. Rather than letting it wear you down, you can use those experiences to be more understanding of other people’s struggles. This mindset helps you be more humble while maintaining your confidence.

An excellent example of this is the senior executive at work who’s friendly to everyone. They’re always willing to help, and when you feel stupid or mess up, they assure you they’ve done that too, and it didn’t kill them. Their humbleness signals confidence – because they have nothing to prove.

16. Give people your undivided attention

When you talk to someone, focus only on them. Put your phone away. Ignore your laptop. Don’t scan the room or let anyone else grab your attention. If you get stuck in your thoughts, refocus on the person you’re talking to by listening and paraphrasing what they’ve said in your head.

It’s good to think of talking to someone as single-tasking. You’re only interested in them, so get rid of any distractions and dive into the conversation.

17. Use touch to build closeness and trust

Touching someone lightly on the arm or hugging them goodbye after spending an evening with them, says you like them. When you touch someone in a friendly way, it releases oxytocin into their bloodstream. They feel good being with you. It’s powerful. However, because it’s so powerful, touch has to be done naturally and at the right time.

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Touch done incorrectly can have the opposite effect and be perceived as angry or aggressive.

Look at this chart to see appropriate places to touch, relative to your relationship with that person.

Touch map

Source

18. Be generous

Adopt a giving mindset. The number one thing you can give someone is your time and attention. After that, find out in the course of conversation if they need your support or validation. Maybe they need your opinion on something their thinking of doing that you’ve experienced.

The point is to adopt a helpful mentality. When you’re warm and generous, people will respond with loyalty and sincere appreciation.

If you feel that you are generous but getting nothing back, see our guide on one-sided friendships.

19. Open up a little bit at a time

If you find the conversation skimming the surface, you can mention small things that are personal about yourself and see if that prompts a more personal response from your mate. If you talk about your weekend and you say, “I tend to enjoy Saturdays more than Sundays because on Sundays I start thinking about work,” that can open up for more sincere and personal interaction.

Be gradually more personal and start with small things, like in the example above. You want them to feel comfortable during the conversation.

20. Be driven and passionate while still being able to have fun

Likable people tend to know what they want. They push forward, excited, and they make sure to include you in the adventure when you’re on their team.

They’re the ones in the office who make sure that things move forward while at the same time not stepping on others feelings or ideas. An example is Barack Obama, who is both driven and a people person. A seeming contradiction, he makes it work.

21. Develop your sense of humor

Likable people use humor to break the tension and create a shared experience that bonds people.

Be aware – going for humor can be a double-edged sword: Being genuinely funny is highly likable while trying to be funny is not and can push people away.

Rather than trying to be funnier, develop your sense of humor. You can do this by learning from people you think are funny. Break down why something they said was amusing and see if you can find patterns. Was it funny because it was unexpected? Was it told with a distinct voice? Etc.

Read more on how to be funny.

4 Ways to sabotage your likability

1. Avoid humblebragging

It’s natural to assume that people will like us more if we hint about our accomplishments or strengths.

Humble bragging, or just full-on bragging, makes you look insecure. Quite the opposite of likable, it advertises your need for validation. You are signaling that you want others’ approval, which makes you needy.

Studies show that humblebragging is even less likable than straight-up bragging.[5] If you do want to share something, don’t sneak it in. Be unapologetic about it. In a moment where it’s relevant to share, with pride say, “I was the top soccer player in my school!” That’s more likable than trying to make it sound like you don’t care that you were the best player.

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2. Avoid name dropping

Even if you know someone famous or impressive, the only time you need to reveal that fact is if it can help the person your talking to.

Otherwise, you look like you mentioned it to make yourself look more important. Err on the side of caution and only comment on your link to notable folk when it’s relevant to your conversation.

3. Avoid gossiping

It’s human nature to indulge in this un-harmless pastime. But if you do, realize that you’ve pretty much sold your integrity. Why? Because if you listen or add to it, that means when (not if) it gets back to the people outside the conversation, they will know you can’t be trusted.

The bedrock of likeability is that you are trustworthy. Gossip defeats everything you are trying to build. Make it a habit to only say things about someone that you would also feel comfortable saying directly to them.

4. Avoid oversharing on social media

Likable people share important events and people in their lives on social media – things they think their followers would value. When you want to post something on social media, ask yourself about your underlying reason. Is it to get approval and likes, or is it because you think it will be interesting to those who follow you?

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Carrie Ashfield worked as a real estate executive for 20+ years. As a Manager, she mentored 50+ employees, graduated from countless leadership and communications courses, and has served on the Board of Directors for TCREW - Toronto Commercial Real Estate Women. She holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in History & Business from Wilfrid Laurier University and a Bachelor of Applied Arts degree from Ryerson University in Radio and Television Arts. She’s raising two teenage boys, two Huskies, and has acknowledged addictions to movies, books, and being outside.

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