Did you know that trying to get a more confident body language can even make us MORE self-conscious?
In this video, I explain why that is and what to do instead.
Let me know what you think in the comments below!
How confident people deal with self-doubt
When I was about to leave everything in Sweden and move to NYC, these doubts popped up in my head:
- But what if I don’t make any friends?
- What if I don’t like it there?
- What if I don’t make any money?
- What if I have to go back to Sweden and everyone sees that I’m a failure?
Here’s what I’ve come to learn about self-doubt:
1: Everyone has it.
2: Everyone who’s ever succeeded with anything has felt like this and followed their dream ANYWAY.
Life is about doing things DESPITE the feeling that we might fail.
Isn’t it crazy to let life be dictated by a fantasy voice telling us it won’t work?
And we go “Oh, yeah, you’re right, fantasy voice. I’ll ditch all my dreams because it might not work”.
Were they making fun of me behind my back?
In school, I felt like an outsider.
I saw how others connected and had a great time, while I struggled.
Take the other guys in my class for example. I often worried that they were making fun of me behind my back and it felt like it was them inside and then me outside.
One day, a new guy came to class. After a week, he was closer with my classmates than I was after a year.
That “proved it” to me: There’s definitely something wrong with me!
Like I’ve said before, I don’t regret that time, because that’s what formed who I am today.
Interview with Tyler Tervooren on using systems to retain friendships and more
Tyler Tervooren blogs about strategies, leadership and smart risktaking for introverts Riskology.co.
In this interview, we cover topics including:
- How to use systems in your social life
- Free up mental space with habits and routines.
- Using adventure to grow, and how to do it simply
Interview with Evan Marc Katz on social life and dating
Evan Marc Katz is a long time women’s relationship coach, author, and blogger at www.evanmarckatz.com.
In this open-hearted interview, we dive deep into relationships and social life. We cover topics including:
- Following your heart instead of your selfishness
- Important truths and habits in social life
- Why men and women are equal but different
What to do when you’re left out of a group conversation
I just read this.
Something like 30% of Americans feels lonely or left out at least once a week.
I still remember back in school when the guys in my class went to a party and I found out after the weekend. That felt like a stab in my gut.
Now, I can still feel left out if people talk and have fun and I’m in the fringe.
(This happens to everyone all the time, but we tend to only notice when it happens to US.)
You can divide people into two groups depending on how they tackle being left out in a group.
How to stop fiddling (+ other habits that make us look nervous)
This puzzled me for a long time:
I tried not fiddling, having more eye contact, having a better posture, and so on.
But it didn’t work!
As soon as I didn’t pay attention, I started fiddling again or I forgot about eye contact and posture.
One day, a friend told me about a principle Toyota uses to make cars. It’s called Genchi Genbutsu, and it helped me understand why I couldn’t stop fiddling.
So I’m probably missing some details here but the story of Genchi Genbutsu goes something like this:
What makes someone likable?
There’s a cafe in Brooklyn that I always go to.
They often mess up my order. I get drip coffee when I order an espresso, and I get ordinary milk when I ask for my hipster almond milk.
Still, I go there anyway. Why?
Because I like the people working there.
They are nice without being fake. They are interested without being needy. They are likable.
To me, that cafe is a metaphor for the rest of life:
When we’re likable, we attract people. People want to be with us and help us. Everything in life gets easier and more fun when everyone’s on your side.
How to get people to notice you without coming off as needy
A while back we wrote about what to do when friends only talk about themselves and aren’t interested in you.
My problem was that I could feel left out in groups and because of that, I tried to take up more space and crack more jokes.
Let me show you why this backfires.
A guy who came by our co-living the other day.
He was a friend of a friend and a nice person by all means.
Problem was, you could tell he was looking for laughs and attention. He cracked jokes all the time and tried to make a fun twist on everything.
“It’s like I don’t know who I am!” (How to find your identity)
How do you know who you really are?
Like, how do you know what your values are and what you really think and feel about things?
Here’s the comment that inspired me to write today’s text. It’s from one of our readers, Jaimie:
“As I am reading these articles and watching your videos (which are fantastic by the way!) I find myself thinking that, even if I do apply these principles to my social life, I will still struggle.
I actually don’t know what I think about things, or what I value and why. I have been such a people pleaser for so long, terrified of rejection, that I lost myself in it all.
What to do when the topic dies out in a conversation
I spent this Saturday at a friend’s place in Manhattan.
My friend’s balcony
When a conversation topic dies out he uses a simple, but genius, question:
“How’s X?”
X is something he and the other person have talked about before. It could be work, a project, a trip, or some person they’ve discussed…
- How’s your new car?
- How’s work?
- How’s it going with that guy/girl you met?
- How was your trip to Chicago?
- How’s your crazy neighbor?
Even though “How’s X?” is a simple question, it’s clever and should be used more. Here’s why:
It’s great to get a new topic started when the current one dies out, and you’ll be more confident knowing that you can always fire off a “How’s X”-question.
How I change my state when I’m not in the mood for socializing
Last weekend I went to a mingle here in NYC.
Even if it gets my adrenaline pumping, I still go.
I’ve met some amazing people that I’m forever grateful to have in my life today thanks to mingles.
Later the same day, I met up with some friends of friends that I didn’t have too much in common with.
Soon I noticed that I had zoned out. Instead of being above my “nice to socialize” level I was now below it.
Here’s what my stress curve looked like that day:
You want your body’s stress levels to be in the “Nice to socialize-zone”. If you’re more stressed than that, you get nervous. Too relaxed, and you get bored.
Why bars and parties are terrible for connecting and what to do instead
Look at this email I just got:
“Many times I try to have more personal conversations in bars and at parties but people don’t want to talk about more personal things.
I asked someone what they did, whether they loved their job and what they would do if they could do anything.
They just said, “I don’t know, still thinking about it”. People don’t want to have deep and meaningful personal conversations in bars and parties, they just want to keep it light and have a laugh.”
This experience is spot on why loud bars and parties are so bad for connecting with people and getting to know someone.
“What should I say when I talk with a stranger?”
There’s one thing most miss when they try to talk to someone they just met…
You see, I just came back to NYC after visiting friends and family in Sweden.
Here are me and my buddies on my “last supper” in Sweden
While I was gone, we got some new folks in the co-living back in NYC. So yesterday I got a chance to get to know them.
You know, I get emails every day and the most common questions are: “How do I start a conversation with a stranger?” and “How do I come up with things to say?”
How to connect faster with others (A conversation with Wendy Atterberry)
Hi, how are you today?
How come some are SO GOOD at connecting quickly with people?
I remember in school when I saw others make friends and meet up after class just a few days into the semester. It always puzzled me how they could connect so fast.
My buddy Andreas Sjöstrand here at SocialPro just had an interesting conversation with Wendy Atterberry of dearwendy.com. (A great relationship advice blog. I recommend you to check it out.)
I just listened to the recording and thought it was so interesting.
What I do when socializing just feels boring
My co-living has a pool table and I’ve never used it.
Why?
Because I hate pool.
I feel like a failure when I play because I can’t make the cue get those round thingys into the holes.
I’ve always been bored by what I don’t master.
It was the same with social settings. I wasn’t good at it so I couldn’t see the fun in it.
But being socially savvy has more benefits in life than playing pool, so I practiced it even if it didn’t like it.
The point is that I don’t expect you to think it’s fun to socialize.
How to be good at telling stories
It’s so annoying when you tell a story and people’s eyes start drifting. Or, when the story’s over, no one reacts.
(Or even worse, all you get is pity laughs.)
I have a friend who’s a natural storyteller. Today, I’m going to share the principles he uses to keep everyone’s attention and turn mundane everyday events into interesting stories.
These principles are taken from our video on storytelling in our program Confident in 60 Days.
In that program, I also go into detail about how to keep a cool head when everyone’s looking at you and not lock up.
How to participate in group conversations when you dislike attention
This is the third part of my email series on group conversations.
Here are the previous parts:
Part 1: How to be part of the group without saying anything smart or funny
Part 2: How to be part of a conversation when you just don’t feel like it
Yesterday I had an eye-opening coaching session with a client.
He told me how he zoned out in conversations. I’ve met with him before, and nothing had given him great results.
Finally, after an hour of coaching, we finally arrived at the core of the problem:
Why self-improvement is painful and what to do about it
A while back I met an amazing girl that I soon fell in love with. I knew that she liked me back. But while I felt more and more for her over time, she felt less and less.
When someone I speak with for five minutes walks off, I’m unaffected, because I know that they don’t know me.
But being rejected by this girl took a hit at my self- esteem.
I’m privileged to have extremely conscious, smart people around me who could give me input.
I felt like I was back in school – seeking advice instead of being the one giving it out.
What to do when friends only talk about themselves and aren’t interested in you
We just got an email about getting stuck in the “listener trap”:
“[…] After about 6 months of “friendship”, these people turn to me as someone to talk to, as I always seem interested in their daily affairs.
The difficulty is that they just want to talk about themselves. I am afraid that if I start talking about myself, these friends would find me whiny and stop being friends with me!
I personally think that I may be not interesting enough to people, and thus people don’t seem to take interest in what I say or do – they just like me for being someone they can vent to or talk to or seek advice from.
