How to Become Socially Super-Awesome
UPDATE: Watch our new VIDEOS on how to become socially awesome. They are stuffed with psychological principles and step-by-step advice for you to get the social life you want.
Here is a list of common mistakes people do in social situations, and you by knowing about them can be super-awesome in any social situation.
First and foremost. I am about to talk a lot about feelings in this post. When I do that, I mainly mean subconscious feelings. Those are the ones that we perhaps are not even aware that we have, but they make a huge impact on what we think about other people. Have you ever thought “I do not know why, I just do not like that person.”? That is because of your subconscious feelings.
The Main Foundations Having Great Social Skills
These are the foundations that we will go through in this article.
- Making the other person feel important
- Showing liking
- Conveying a high social value
Making the Other Person Feel Important
It is known to psychologists that one of our most important needs is to feel important. Much of what we do today is to make us feel important. Some social scientists say that is the reason for why we want to make a career, earn more money, be right in discussions and do not like others talking down to us. If we fail in any of these fields, we will feel bad and less important.
Why is this important for you to know? Well, we love to hang around people that makes us feel important. We do everything we can to escape people that do not make us feel important, such as bullies, or even people who are just self-absorbed.
It turns out that people who are highly successful makes the people around them feel important. There are two powerful skills in making others feel important, listening and understanding others self-esteem.
How to create the feeling of importance in someone else by listening
You have heard before that it is important to listen carefully to others. But that is not enough. You have to SHOW the other person that you are listening. This is what researchers in this field call Active Listening. In this guide, we will take the most important part of active listening together with other psychological triggers to make you a great listener that makes the other person feel important, and want to hang out with you more.
- Look the person in the eyes when he or she speaks and only hold about half as much eye-contact when you speak as a general rule. You can use more intensive eye-contact when you are talking if you want to emphasize a point or don’t want to be interrupted. Also make sure you adapt your level of eye-contact to the same level as the other person, some people just aren’t comfortable with a lot of eye-contact and if you try to force eye-contact with them, they will only get uncomfortable and you will lose rapport with each other. Also try to focus on what the other person is saying, if you start scanning the room for a second, or looking at the clock for half a second, the other person will probably question whether you are interested in what is being said.
- When the other person is telling you a story, do not try to come up with a relating story you can tell. Focus 100% on the other person.
- When the person has told you something, summarize it with your own words. This is the main core of active listening and is important because it is proof that you are actually listening. Here is an example. “I felt I did not want to move back to my hometown until I had completed my degree”. Now you can reply something like “Ok, you did not feel ready for that.” Now, you just summarized what the other person said, and that will make him or her feel heard.
- Ask questions based on what the other person said. This is proof that you are interested in what the other person has to say. In the example above, it could be: “What is your degree?”.
- Connect back to what you talked about the last time. If you run into each other a few days later, ask something related to what you talked about previously. “How’s it going with the plans of moving home?”. Now you show you care. You will now become a person people trust will listen to them, and that is a great way to make more friends.
When a person is feeling understood and important, magic things happen. Here’s a guide on how to be more social.
Understanding the self-esteem of others
Often we forget how low self-esteem many people have. Therefore, always work on the supposition that the person you talk to is not as confident as he or she may appear. People easily get hurt, especially if their sense of importance gets questioned.
We are going to walk through an example.
Person A invites person B to a party.
Person A: I’m having a party in my house next weekend. Feel free to join.
(Person A is already putting himself or herself in an exposed position, and may feel worried not enough people will join, which would hurt his or her feeling of importance.)
Person B on the other hand does not like parties. When he receives the question, he gets into an exposed situation as well, and does not really know how to answer, because he does not want to look like a loser. So he comes up with an excuse.
Person B: No, I don’t like house parties.
And now Person A feels hurt, because Person B just talked down on what Person A is about to do.
If you were person B, you now know that people are mainly concerned about themselves, and are quite fragile. If you wanted to decline to the party, you would say something like
“I am not the partying kind, so I have to say no. But you are fun to hang out with you, so I bet you will have an awesome party.”
The second powerful psychological factor is liking. It turns out that we like people who like us. Do you let your friends know you like them and that you are happy to see them? If you do, that is awesome and you can continue to the next step. Otherwise, here are some good ways to show your liking:
- Do not try to play cool when it comes to liking your friends. Tell them that you are looking forward to see them when you are about to meet.
- Smile towards them when you meet up and when you are about to leave. They will feel needed and when you show that you like them, they will like you back.
This does NOT mean you are supposed to be the one who nags them about meeting and is the needy one. That is super-dangerous. If people notice that you are needy, they will do anything they can to avoid you. Luckily, there is a solution for this…
Convey a high social value
Having a high social value + showing liking + letting other people feel important is a bullet-proof way of becoming an irresistibly attractive person.Check out our full guide on how to have a high social value here.
- How to get past the small talk
- How to avoid awkward silence
- How to feel more at ease in conversations